The TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
(Joe Mott.. the war continues)
7:00 NEWSBEAT 1. Hard-Fi - Better Do Better, 2. Madonna - Ray Of Light, 3. Notorious B.I.G feat P. Diddy, Nelly, Jagged Edge & Avery Storm - Nasty Girl 7:30 NEWSBEAT 4. U2 - Elevation, 5. Ne*Yo - So Sick 8:00 NEWSBEAT 6. Pink - Stupid Girls, 7. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out, 8. BeatFreakz - Somebody's Watching Me (Hi_Tack Edit) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 9. Basement Jaxx - Oh My Gosh, 10. Rhianna - SOS, 11. SL2 - On A Ragga Tip (Tedious Link), 12. Dirty Pretty Things - Bang Bang You're Dead, 13. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me, 14. The Black Eyed Peas - Pump It 9:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Streets - When You Wasn't Famous, 16. Hi-Tack - Say Say Say (Waiting 4 U)

Last show before holidays then, and a mixed bag to end The Chris Moyles Show’s first run of 2006. By far and away the best bit of the show today was the continuing feud (if that really is the right word) between Chris and clumsy tabloid journo Joe Mott of *ooh ahh* The Daily Star. This all started on Monday when Chris berated Mr Mott for wrongly congratulating Embrace in his column for getting to number one in the charts, when in fact they were at number two behind Ne*Yo. Whoops. Mott then retaliated by saying Chris was crap with women and he had never heard the show - resulting in Chris mockingly challenging him to a midday duel on Primrose Hill yesterday. Him versus Mott, with only Michel the French (although he’s not really French) Radio 1 cleaner and his mop for back up. Laughably, the Star had put Chris on their front cover today - and sent a pepperami man round with a camera to Chris’s house this morning. One with a stutter, and a slaphead at that..

Dave - I can’t stand these baldies..
Dom - *ahem* Steady..

The guy asked Moyles where he wanted the fight to be. He promptly replied “Las Vegas”. As good a venue as any I’m sure you’ll agree. The team played Chris Moyles bingo as to which descriptions of him were in the article this morning - and sure enough, “heavyweight” and “motormouth” were in there. The headline was “DJ picks fight at Radio 1 then Flees”. Chris said he didn’t have fleas though. Dave explained. The Star piece printed a very camp looking picture of Mott outside Radio 1 with boxing gloves on, and an earring in - which Chris said looked like something straight out of Attitude. He added that Mott would surely have to take out the earring under safety regulations in the boxing ring anyway..

Chris - He looks like he’s been battered round the ring a few times I’ll tell you that..
Dave (laughing) - Mmm

Hilariously the Star article said tubby Chris, “wobbled off” after his morning show yesterday - and was nowhere to be found as Mott arrived at Radio 1, and the hours ticked by. Made me laugh anyway. A Radio 1 spokesman apparently commented in the paper that Chris was “too busy” to meet Mott yesterday. Moyles said damn right he was - he had the laundry to drop off, and had to meet Joel off of JK and Joel for a cup of tea.

Chris (reading article): “The Radio 1 star dared to slag off pop writer Joe’s double award winning hot column to 7 million listeners..”
(Team all laugh)
Chris - It’s so pro Joe Mott it’s unbelievable!

Other DJ’s had been asked to comment on the possible fight (no idea why) and as you would expect, didn’t hold back when presented with an opportunity to slag off Chris. “Top DJ” Lucio, off of XFM London Drive said Chris, like Nelson from The Simpsons, was “all mouth and no trousers”. Chris said it really would be an entertaining fight if he had no trousers on. Oh dear god. Next up was Johnny Vaughan of Capital Radio - who called Chris “a big fat coward”. Then of course there was dear old Wes Butters, ex of Radio 1, now Galaxy 102 Breakfast DJ, who said Chris’s rant against Joe was “totally out of order” and “he’ll be listening to Wogan from now on”. Chris said hopefully not, as Wes presents THE BREAKFAST SHOW so is on at the same time. Moyles called on the boss of Galaxy to reprimand him. Or sack him. That sounds like a better idea.

Chris - Can I just say, that’s the front page of the Daily Star today. I haven’t seen the front page of the Mail or the Guardian, but I’m hoping it’s something similar..
Dom - Yeah, I would have said so..
Chris - It’s world news, right?

Believe it or not, Moyles also made the page 6 Star Editorial, where Mott claimed that he can’t wait to meet Chris, and “the two funny ones off his show”. This in itself sparked off a huge debate as to the identity of the alleged funny ones. Mott will of course have meant Dom and Dave, the only other two funny people on the show - although Dave wasn’t so sure..

Dave - I don’t know! I’m normally regarded as a snivelling sycophant so anything’s an improvement really..
(Dom laughs)

Chris launched a text poll almost immediately, to find out who the other two funny people on the show are. By the way this link lasted so long, Chris didn’t get into his first record til 7.15. That’s 20 minutes into the show without any music. Surely a new record. Anyway, the voting began, with Michel the French cleaner amongst the options - and soon enough there was a problem. After just two records Comedy Dave already had 15,362 votes - over 10,000 more than his nearest challenger Dom. Chris said it had to be a technical error, so re set the vote:

Dave - Well we think what might have happened is it’s still counting a Girls Aloud vote from many months ago..
(Dom laughs)
Chris - But I don’t know which one of Girls Aloud we would have nicknamed “Dave”...
Dom - I’ve got an idea
Dave - Yeah
Chris - Really?
Dave - Nicola
(all laugh)

Chris urged people to go and buy today’s Daily Star, making it their biggest seller of the week - and thus giving the impression that if you put Moyles on the front of a magazine, it sells. Rachel said it could help pay for his wedding.
*ahem*. With Dave and Dom running away with the show in terms of the text poll, Chris decided to help Michel’s campaign by playing out some pre recorded clips of him telling jokes. There was the classic “knock knock” Doctor Who gag, the horse and barman - “why the long face” joke, the “Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains” gag (with a bizarre ending). the “Doctor Doctor I’ve broke my arm in two places” classic - and the very obscure “pig child” joke, which no one on the show could quite understand. Dom went to Michel to get pronunciation clarification, and he did indeed say “pig child” in the set up, not “pig shirehorse”, “pig horse” or “Prince Charles” as the team had otherwise suggested. Michel - cleans by day, tells joke by night. Only on Radio 1. Chris said he looked forward to the day when they’re on a commercial national radio station, and were making money from all the text messages flooding in in the text poll. Let’s hope it’s a long time away.

Rachel - Anyway, we don’t get paid to be funny..
We know that Rach. Her and Carrie are perfect examples, and rightly finished in the bottom two in the poll. Long gone the days when the show had a funny producer and sport monkey. Dave comfortably won the poll, which lasted until 10, and Michel the cleaner eventually overtook Dominic to finish second, with Dom third and Aled fourth. Dom should have won the god damn thing. Serves me for not listening live tut tut. As with these text polls, they descended into jaw droppingly boring radio, as Chris spent the entirety of half time doing commentary on the votes coming in. Zzzz. Very, very short of material it seems.


Day five of One Night With Laura, and Scott was back on the show for the final time. Live from outside the bus this morning, and he said less people seemed to sleep on it last night. It’s like they went and slept in a hotel or something stupid. Mary, Laura’s sister, depped for Chappers on the panel in Newcastle last night. It was there that Scott and Laura had their first big fall out of the week - after the panel refused to put through a contestant she really had the hots for. In fact nobody went through at all, rather defeating the point of going there in the first place surely. Scott said that they were all either too weird, or Laura would eat them alive. Chris said she’d get over it. Scott said she was still on the bus sulking. He was thinking of ways to make it up to her (g’mornin.. oh no, hang on) and said they might ring up this bloke she liked and take the bus to him. Chris did warn Scott to make sure it wasn’t a rough area, as the bus would come back with no wheels. Remember, the whole week is about getting Laura a bunk up, so it’s kind of important that that does eventually happen..

Scott - And as we were saying last night, if you can’t get a bunk up in Newcastle..
(Chris laughs)
Dave (laughing) - What time you leaving?..

- For more on One Night With Laura from Radio 1 ONLINE click here - or visit Unofficial Mills here. Scott Mills is in for Moyles next week from seven.

(Johnnie *the legend* Walker)
Today is a big day for Radio 2 host Johnnie Walker, as he presents his final drivetime show from 5pm. Chris Evans will take over the slot in a few weeks, although Moyles said the controller of Radio 2 Lesley Douglas (not “Leslie Grantham” as Dom called her), might have other ideas after hearing a few demos from members of the Moyles crew. Especially the demo from Rachel. The ego has landed. Rach kind of fell at the first hurdle, by saying “good morning”, so Chris played her own Radio 2 jingle and made her start again:

*jingle finishes - Come On Eileen starts playing*
Rachel - Hi, I’m Rachel! This is BBC Radio 2. Goodbye Johnnie Walker, hope you have fun at the weekends. We love you! I’m here now for the next two hours, and this is Dexys Midnight Runners and I’m not gonna crash the vocal..
(Chris plays *phone ring* sound effect to ring up and say shes crap)
Dave (laughing) - No Deal!
(all laugh)

Rachel said she’d take the 25 grand rather than the Radio 2 slot. Next up to audition was Dave, and Chris (as you would expect) gave him three of the shortest song intros in the world, causing him to crash three vocals in a row. Dave said he needed some length. Dom was, as usual, the best at doing the cheesy DJ intro - hitting the vocal on Kool n the Gang perfectly. Dep cover for Sarah Kennedy beckons. Talking of deps, Reggie *the stand in* Yates was missing from the Early Show at Radio 1 today - so Fearne Cotton was flying solo, and still recovering from having three of her wisdom teeth out last week. Chris chatted to her briefly about that, did his usual flirting, and then asked her what she was up to for the rest of the day. She said she was back to bed, then painting more of her portraits..

Fearne - Ooh, how about I paint you?
Chris - You’d need a lot of paint love..
(Fearne laughs)

Moyles added especially if he was nude and wangling and dangling. Hmm. An unneccessary mental image to start the day. It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple apparently ladies. Moyles said see you in two weeks to Fearne, who asked who was standing in for him..

Chris - Who cares?! We’re on holiday..
The attitude I have to be honest. I barely listen much to this show as it is anymore, let alone anyone filling in. At ten when Moyles handed over to Jo Whiley, she wasn’t a happy bunny. She had heard the Fearne flirting at the start of the show and said she didn’t feel special anymore...

Dave - He’s up for doing it with anyone Jo..
(Everyone laughs)


*Kirsten from Fife guessed wrongly at Celebrity Tarzan with Laura from Scott Mills’ show. Wrong guesses so far include Kirsty Gallacher, Carrie, Katie Price, Sarah Harding, Keira Knightley, KT Tunstall, Sienna Miller, Chantelle, Tess Daly, Rachel and Fearne Cotton. It’s back after Easter.

*Chris went for fish and chips with Andi Peters last night. Andi had cod, Chris had haddock. Ahh the alliteration.

*Aled had a brand new, all singing and all dancing podcast alarm at 8.25. “Quietly understated” as Dave put it, with fireworks and stuff. On the podcast this week are Danny from Embrace, Aled in Barnsley, teeth whitening chat, a message from Paul O’Grady and extra added stuff. Download it here.

*Dave called Chris “a cheating Yorkshire pudding” for messing around with the celebrity clips after Tedious Link.

*Daniel Long from Leatherhead won tickets to Arsenal vs Villa in the Premiership tomorrow, by correctly answering that they play at Highbury, not Lowbury or Blueberry. Chris is going the game avec the missus too..

Carrie - It’s a good time to go..
Dave - What? Before it closes
Chris - yeah..
(Carrie laughs)

*Plus all importantly, Chris said tomorrow morning when you wake up and turn Radio 1 on, please remember that it is not an April Fool. I REPEAT IT IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL. That really is Spoony doing the breakfast show.


Today’s traveller was Jay Peel of Peebles Road in Newark - a lorry driver for a gas company. He thinks Michel is the funniest person on the show and promised to re tell the classic pig child joke down the pub for days. Jay supports Chelsea, wants to climb Mount Everest, fancies Natalie Portman (hubba hubba).. and er, quite likes wine gums. ORT back in a fortnight. All other travel news is rubbish.


Roy: Yee Hah. the Texan Roy saw Gremlins at the cinema last night. As in the film. Even though it’s 22 years old.

Today’s Score:
SIAN the lovely Welsh lady on her fifth and final day on Beep Beep Busters 3
DAVID a Northern Irish civil servant on his way to Glasgow for One Night With Laura 2

Answers:- Jump, Bull, Pillow, Go, Omelette
David Wins:- A Beep Beep Busters Bath towel!

Golden Round: Sian On The G-Spot
JF - Judy Finnigan
DOND - Deal Or No Deal
AAD - Ant and Dec
KM - Kym Marsh
HOLIDAY - Holiday


Show Returns: Tuesday April 18th at 7am

Backstage Gossip: Chris will be enjoying himself because he’s on holiday for 2 weeks! Aled will be judging in the final of <s>top</s> Welsh telly talent show WawFfactor. Dom will be having lunch with Carrie. Carrie will be having lunch with Dom. Brilliant. Rachel will be going to her friends farm in Cornwall. Dave will be preparing for the World Tour landing in Aberdeen. That’s it.

Have a Good Easter everybody. Let’s hope we have some reviewers when Chris gets back. Harry Ramdens and goodnight.

Thanks, didn't spot that, show is up

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