The TV & Radio Show Reviews
User avatar
By Chris
(Moyles - The Good Samaritan..)
1. Madonna - Hung Up 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc, 3. Ne*Yo - So Sick, 4. Snow Patrol - You're All I Have 7:30 NEWSBEAT 5. Editors - All Sparks, 6. Craig David - Fill Me In 8:00 NEWSBEAT 7. The Kooks - Naive, 8. Gwen Stefani feat. Eve - Rich Girl, 9. Arctic Monkeys - The View From The Afternoon 8:30 NEWSBEAT 10. Pink - Stupid Girls, 11. Franz Ferdinand - The Fallen, 12. Doves - Black and White Town, 13. Supergrass - Pumping On Your Stereo (Tedious Link), 14. The Feeling - Fill My Little World, 15. Mary J Blige & U2 - One, 16. Charlotte Church - Crazy Chick 9:30 NEWSBEAT 17. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy, 18. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ

Brilliant show today. Not affected by the fact Chris was in late, so was therefore live on the phone for the first couple of links. The type of professionalism that makes the show what it is, I’m sure you’ll agree. Turns out Moyles had a good enough excuse though. He was in bed when he got a text at 2am from the girlfriend of one of his mates, asking if Chris was still with him as she couldn’t get hold of him. Moyles and this anonymous mate had gone out for a few drinks earlier in the night, but had gone their separate ways around half 11ish - with Chris’s mate insistant he’d hail down a cab a bit further down the road. Feeling worried and guilty, Chris decided to get up and go looking for him (in the middle of London at 2am), so got out of bed, put his clothes on.. and set off. On this hour long jaunt he took in the scary local kebab place - that serves tins of Stella out the back - before receiving news that his mystery mate had been found safe and sound.

(On the kebab place)
Chris - Mate, you know the little short fella with the shaved head who works behind the counter in there..
Dave - Yeah yeah..
Chris - Even he gave me a look of “it’s a bit late for you isn’t it?”
Dave (laughing) - What do I mean “yeah”? I’ve never been in there in my life..*cough*
Chris - Well that’s true yeah
(Snow Patrol Vocal)

Good Samaritan Moyles never got back to bed til after 3, so used that as his excuse for sleeping through his alarm(s) this morning and being on the phone. I don’t mind, the links on the phone are always quite funny anyway - today’s highlight being when Chris pretended to go into the local shop to buy Dave a bottle of water, Dom a twix and Carrie a Diet Coke. Turns out he had just arrived at Radio 1 and was walking through reception down to the studios. He got in at 11 minutes past seven, so not quite his latest arrival of around 20 past a few months back.

(Moyles in Ibiza eight years ago, but who’s the kid in the back?)
Chris played the new Snow Patrol one for the first time today. Dull as ever, but he liked it. Dave said it was Colin and Edith’s CD Burner recently. Chris said the phrase “CD Burner” implies illegal piracy to him, and said why do Radio 1 DJ’s not just call their “record of the week” song “record of the week” anymore? Like Chris used to call his in the olden days. Having said that there hasn’t been a record of the week on the show for seven or eight years. Now it’s more like one record a week. Dave asked if Whiley still calls hers her “Pet Sound”. Moyles said he only just realised she stopped calling her show “The Social”. She did that in February 2001.

Dave (laughing) - By the way, Lisa I'Anson isn’t here anymore either!
Chris (trying to sound shocked) - Isn’t she?
(Rach laughs)
Dave - She’s not been here for years!
Chris - You’ll be telling me next that Clive Warren isn’t the saviour of weekends anymore..

Cue chat about the infamous Radio 1 Ibiza trip in 1998, when Lisa went AWOL (a bit like Comedy Dave, getting off with the competition winners). Chris said Lisa had been presenter of “Ibiza Uncovered” for like three years, yet had never been to Ibiza prior to that. What a rubbish tour guide she was.

(Lisa I'Anson - Gone and.. well, forgotten)
Today’s Celebrity Tarzan contestant was a very fit sounding Tania (pronounced Tarnya), from Ashford in Kent. She’s a marketing and development co ordinator for an estate agents, which sounds a very complicated title for cutting out pictures of houses and sticking them in the window. She guessed incorrectly with Kirsty Gallacher, which I thought was a good shout. The last Celeb Tarzan for a fortnight is tomorrow. In other news, Chris’s new TV theme tunes CD has turned up at last. He could hardly contain his excitement, and I’m not joking. The team guessed at themes including the following: Are You Being Served?, Just Good Friends (With Paul Nicholls), Dr Snuggles, Muppet Babies, Press Gang, The Tweenies, Play Your Cards Right and He-Man. The lyrics to which were disappointingly known by only one other member of the show. That being Miss Carrie Davis. Chris got Carrie to shout with plenty of reverb - “By the power of greyskull, I have the power!”. Hardly target, but still amusing when ripped off the dry mics to reveal a nice soundbite for the next few weeks. Also played were Thundercats and Strike It Lucky. Chris said the intro’s to both sounded alike. Dave said the intro to the latter actually sounds more like the piano bit on the Doves’ “Black and White Town”. Chris got the tune up out of the system to check, before proceeding to play it in its entirety.

Dave - Musicologists would struggle to tell those two apart..
Next up, the theme to Watch Out, Beadle’s About. Chris enquired as to the current whereabouts of the TV icon that was Mr Jeremy Beadle. Dave said he was probably off counting his money somewhere. The texters suggested otherwise though, and soon the link degenerated into more of a “Beadlewatch” feature - getting anybody who has ever seen Jeremy Beadle to let them know about it. There were reported sightings in a Cardiff Weatherspoons, a Nantwich cake shop, a Blackpool pub and Waterloo station amongst others. Chris said Beadle should come back. Dave didn’t sound so convinced. I’m with him. Moyles came up with an on-the-spot TV pilot, saying that Beadle should go round committing real crimes, and seeing how much he could get away with.. just because he’s Jeremy Beadle. Oh and then move to Fiji. Very funny.

(Watch out.. Beadle’s about).
Paul Turner v/o: The Chris Moyles Show - Hand Built Quality From A Team Of Master Craftsmen

More news next from the One Night With Laura tour bus, and the breaking news that Mr Mark Chapman has been given the boot off the bus - for his constant moaning, and inappropriate behaviour. It happened yesterday, with the loverly Miss Joanne Whiley stepping into Chappers’ role on the auditions panel in Nottingham last night. Scott sounded slightly drunk on the phone this morning, and VERY tired. Proper “m’darling” it up he was. In fact he was the only one on the bus awake. Chris told him that’s why he needs that air horn. *plays imaginary air horn loudly*

Scott said last night’s resident weirdo at the auditions was some idiot who did balloon modelling and lay on his back on a bed of nails (see pic below). Chris said he thought nails down the back would have been Laura’s thing, the sexy minx. Not on this occasion though it seems. Chris said not to mind, Whiley’s into weird men so she’d have the guy’s number. Extra bonus being the party balloons: great for her kids’ birthdays. To top off the interview, Chris then played “The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round” for about five minutes..

(Carrie and Dave laugh as Chris plugs records on the way)
Chris - Oh, what are you two laughing at?
Dave (laughing) - Someone’s just texted in “Chappers on the bus goes moan, moan, moan”
(all laugh)
Carrie - I like that

(The pyschopath balloon making man..)
- For more on One Night With Laura from Radio 1 ONLINE click here - or visit Unofficial Mills here.

(The Mott man..)
More Joe Mott chat today, as the Daily Star’s “skill” columnist fights back against Chris in round 2 of the Mott versus Moyles slanging match. This all began when Mott said a big congratulations to Embrace in Monday’s paper for being number one, even though they were number two (with the chart printed below). Chris basically said it was crap journalism, especially when Mott never mentioned the fact he was wrong the following day. Chris said Joe was an egotistical arsehole who lived in a bubble, after comments in today’s paper that Chris is “keane, eager, unskilled with women and will follow Keith Chegwin’s career path”. Joe also claimed he had never listened to Chris’s show, when of course he tunes in every day. Rach told Chris to ignore him, but we know that’s not fun. Moyles, thank god, reverted back to his “you don’t mess with the saviour of Radio 1” best. He also added that there had been no follow up on the Noel Edmonds story from the other day. In fact legendary Radio 1 French cleaning operative Michel took Moyles to one side yesterday, to ask him what he thought about Noel’s comments. Michel then slagged off Deal Or No Deal brilliantly, although because Chris did the impression in his funny French accent - I can’t really do it justice in writing. Just download the short clip here - thanks to Console.

Chris - Noel Edmonds and Joe Mott, right.. the pair of ya. I’ll see you midday, Primrose Hill.. me and Michel the cleaner..
Dave - and he's bringing his mop!
Chris - That’s right


The big news of the day then is that Aled has had his teeth whitened. For the bargain price of £450, Jones is now whiter than white - much to the amusement of everyone else on the show. Chris said why waste that much money on his teeth, when Aled could have had his nose done, or his short fat hairy legs reduced. He sounded crestfallen. Dave and Chris cut out paper teeth to replace their real ones, with Rachel saying Chris looked a bit like Wallace off of Wallace & Gromit. Dave’s fake teeth had caused him some difficulty talking. When I say that I basically mean you couldn’t understand him.

Chris - Well, still less of a speech impediment than Dave Pearce..
Aled is apparently on a “white diet” for 24 hours - just milk, white bread, clear water, vanilla milshake, vanilla ice cream etc. Stuff that’s white basically. Chris said that shouldn’t be a problem for Aled really. Jones said he’s happy he’s had them done, but his teeth do hurt a bit now:

Aled - They haven’t take the enaminal off them..
Chris (interrupting) - The what?
Dave - The enaminal?
(Rach laughs)
Chris - Hang on a second, what have they not taken off?
Aled - Enamel
Dave (laughing) - The enaminal..
Chris - And what is enamel?
Aled - Erm.. it’s like the..
Chris (interrupting) - Is it like a hippopotamus, or a badger?
Dave - A whales emammal!
(all laugh)

Following on from the He-Man stuff earlier, Chris decided to allocate superhero names to the team. He became “Fatman”, the gargantuan superhero who sits on journalists until they squeal. Dave was wearing a Zorro mask so became French for some reason (“Je suis Super Dave. Ou es les baddies?”) and Chappers was given the job of grumpy superhero, who turns up when people are having too much fun.

Aled - What superhero am I?
Chris - I don’t know, just come up with a name
Aled - I don’t know any names. Dave? you’re the writer..
Dave (interrupting) - Battyman!
(Chris and Dave lose themselves laughing)
Aled - Oh shut up
Rach - No!
Aled - You’re so offensive sometimes..

Aled was highly offended it seems and it’s understandable why, but I still found it quite amusing (sorry). Chris said how about Taffyman instead. Aled said no, that’s racist instead. A series of denture based titles were suggested - including Ace Dentura, Queen La-Teeth-a (very clever), Enamel Man, Captain Colgate, The Toothy Fairy, Hong Kong Toothy and eventually.. Dangermouth. That was the name he was given permanently, with his sidekick christened as “Gumfold” and his role to swing through the city on dental floss, in a costume of y-fronts marked with D and M on the buttocks.

Chris - “Why do you take the mickey out of Aled you fat slob” says one of the text messages..
Aled - Thanks mum


Today’s one road traveller was Robert Hamilton Hall, from Neon Road, a nice one way street with some speed bumps, in Portsmouth. We found out Robert is a Scorpio, a dispatch manager, is going on holiday to the Isle Of White this summer, and met Julian Clary in a Liverpool hotel six months ago. His favourite Star Wars film is “The Empire Strikes Back”. Chris also tried to be the One Road Traveller when on the phone at the top of the show. He got Dave to play the jingles, but Dom kept messing up his cue.


Roy: Saw Aled coming out of a lap dancing club last night. He must have been a bit jarred I think. (Roy not Aled that is).

Today’s Score:
SIAN the reigning champion who didn’t get into the Paul O’Grady audience yesterday 3
SCOTT a network scientist from Leyton Buzzard 1

Chris, Dave and Dom were ripping the pee out of the loser on line 2, saying his Vauxhall Corsa was a girls car. He said he hadn’t even got a girlfriend..
Chris - But it’s a girls car!
Scott - It got given to me!
Chris - I bet it did. Right.. (laughs)
Dave (laughing) - Awwight babe, I’m a scientist..
(all laugh)
Chris (as a woman) - Oh my god, take my Corsa, please..
Scott - Oh quality
(all laugh)
Dom (impersonating him) - Quality, touch, choice..

Answers:- Nipple, Wizzard, Cocoa, Sofa
Scott Wins:- A Beep Beep Busters Bath towel!

Golden Round: Sian On The G-Spot
DW - David Walliams
WR - Wayne Rooney
JO - Jamie Oliver
PH - Prince Harry
TJ - Tom Jones


Show Returns: Tomorrow at 7am

Backstage Gossip: Today Chris will be working on tomorrow’s brand new podcast, he’ll be sorting his cleaner out.. and his electrician, *sigh* who should have done all the lights by now. Plus he’ll be having fish and chips with Andi Peters (at last!). Dave will be going to the opticians. Dom will be retrieving his suitcase from the loft. Carrie will be practising her swing, and sorting out the plumbing. Aled will be in a recording studio with The Kooks (hmm why?) and Rachel will be packing for hols.

Tomorrows Review: Mid afternoonish I’d think.

Harry Ramsdens fans.

TCMS Unedited Monday 18th January, 2021 http[…]