The chrismoyles.net TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris
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1. Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Mark Ronson feat Ghostface Killah & Nate Dogg - Ooh Wee, 3. Editors - All Sparks, 4. Mish Mash - Speechless 7:30 NEWSBEAT 5. Green Day - Holiday, 6. Embrace - Nature’s Law, 7. Ne*Yo - So Sick (UK Number One) 8:00 NEWSBEAT 8. Foo Fighters - Times Like These, 9. Pink - Stupid Girls, 10. Audio Bullys feat. Nancy Sinatra - Shot You Down 8:30 NEWSBEAT 11. The Kooks - Naive, 12. Nelly - Hot In Herre, 13. Manic Street Preachers - Motorcycle Emptiness (The Best Tedious Link... Ever), 14. The Streets - When You Wasn't Famous, 15. Infernal - From Paris To Berlin, 16. The Feeling - Fill My Little World 9:30 NEWSBEAT 17. Snow Patrol - Chocolate, 18. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me

Hello, normal service is resumed everyone. It’s my Easter break at uni, so reviews are back for a week before Chris takes two weeks off for his Easter break. Before I begin by the way, this show already goes down as the best of the year purely for Daves Tedious Link choice today. You have no idea how many years I have been waiting for Motorcycle Emptiness to be played on Tedious. The. Best. Song. Ever.
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JK and Joel were back on earlies today, with JK now back from his week long appearance on Channel 4’s “The Games”. I didn’t see any of it thankfully. Chris had a brief chitter chatter with him at the top of the show - and again after 8:30. From these links we learned the following about JK: He was in fine pulling form at the after-show bar on Saturday, Moyles would love Kirsty Gallacher’s blond sister (dunno if the two comments were related), he likes to browse specialist internet forums in search of comments about himself, he got paid more for doing The Games than Joel did for Britain’s Worst Celebrity Driver Live.. oh yeah and that he thinks Javine is a buck toothed mardy arsed cow. Fair comment I think. Comedy Dave didn’t want Joel to feel left out of the discussion, so said not to worry, as “The Pub Games” would no doubt be coming soon.

Joel - To Channel 5..
*Hits Kylie Minogue Vocal*
(everyone laughs)

Chris went for a two mile run last night. Excellent news, although kinda ruined by the 8 pints and curry that followed. As for the weekend, Moyles recalled the farce that was Sophie’s birthday “party” on Friday. In a remarkable balls up of events, Chris and Soph couldn’t book the bowling alley, all tables to eat there were reserved, and then they only did bottled beer (at £3.40 a bottle). All this with a touring party of 30 people on the way, including Rachel and her fella Mally, who was by all accounts totally off his face. On Saturday Chris was in the pub with Joel to see the poorest Pogues tribute act ever - a Chesney Hawkes lookalike and a bloke with one eye. Dave and Dom saw the Liverpool - Everton match, although Dom’s goading of the bitter blue didn’t last long surprisingly. Well, until the obligatory goals montage. Carrie was happy after Chelsea won again, and Moyles was in their match programme too - apparently on some sort of Q&A page with Frank Lampard. Lampard said he listened to the show, that’s why. The Chris Moyles Show - He laavves it. Still no “good morning jingle” for Lamps though, apparently he needs to fix up the team with World Cup tickets first. They’re going anyway, what’s the problem? Although having said that, I hate those god damn “good morning” jingles. The less the better, as far as I’m concerned. Chris’s My Space mate Miss Rachel *hubba bubba* Unitt was playing for the England Womens Team in a World Cup Qualifier on BBC3 last night. Chris watched the game, which was 0-0 against France incidentally, but presumably not for the football. See below.

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(Rachel... ahhhhhh)
Today’s Celebrity Timecheck was Paul O’Grady at 7:50. Highly edited, but still funny. His new show is today on Channel 4 at 5pm, up today against repeats of his old show on ITV1. Bizarre. He will possibly be up at some point in the future with Sharon Osbourne’s new chat show on ITV. Chris said as much as he likes Sharon, he saw the chat show she did in the States and it was car crash TV. I’m with him, it was on Sky One a couple of years ago. Pure drivel. O’Grady it turns out is a big fan of Chris’s, and during half time Dom played out a clip of Paul telling Chris to keep it clean while the kids were listening, and he was coming down off his valium. I am speaking for myself next when I say this but it is very annoying when Chris says the show is “very random today”, basically cos it is every day, but the text messages certainly were this morning:

Chris - Here’s another good text. (Reads) “Hi Elliott, I don’t think dog food can taste nice, if it was nice, why would dogs lick their own testicles, from Mike in Tamworth”.
(Everyone laughs)
Dave - D’you know I bet they’re having the same debate on the Today programme..


Chris said he hoped to god Elliott was a DJ on some other station and Mike had just sent it to the wrong number. Other stuff this morning included:
- The re telling of the classic “Dom fined on the Tube for fare dodging” story
- The news from Vernon’s show on Saturday that Brian Dowling apparently “would” Chris
- Another re playing of the classic Briggy/Jack Johnson news “intro”
- Carrie revealing she’s got a stiff neck after getting a trapped nerve
- Chris saying Jo Whiley’s “sultry” face could turn milk sour
- Plus the news that Chris and Andi Peters will be going for fish and chips when Peters gets back from South Africa (where he has spotted a triple A guess who incidentally).

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Injury news next. Aled was off ill today after his trip to Barnsley on Friday. Obviously didn’t get his injections done beforehand. Some texter said he was prancing about on Welsh telly on Friday night though, obviously something to do with Taff Idol and Dom’s newly christened “Woo Woo Factor”. Joce is still off too with finger trouble. Good mornin’. Apparently her right hand is totally out of action too. Well...

CELEBRITY TARZAN:
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(Left to Right: Carrie and Patsy.. it’s a toss up)

Mmm Patsy looking lovely in her “I Hate Celebrity Tarzan” t-shirt. They’re all the rage I tell thee. Chris also had audio of Patsy saying hello to him on This Morning on Friday. Not sure why she did, but er.. good on her. I don’t give a rats ass either way but still. Sophie Rayne, aged 23, who works in PR, was today’s husky/sexy sounding Celeb Tarzan contestant. She was good fun actually, and managed to blag her way onto the show if Take That come in to do a session soon. Chris said not to even get him started on that. She’s a big Take That fan apparently, and rang on re dial for hours to get tickets to see them next month. Oh and she guessed Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud. Nope. It returns tomorrow at 8.

ONE NIGHT WITH LAURA:
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Today is the big launch then of One Night With Laura. I’m not a Mills fan, and seen as though we now have XFM in Manchester, don’t really listen to Radio 1 anymore (bar Moyles if I’m up - I must confess this is all being reviewed off Listen Again coz I’m a lazy arsed student). However, it isn’t too difficult to grasp the concept behind this idea. Laura, Scott’s BA from Drive, is fit, up for it and a bit single - hence this to get her some action. Oh yeah then there’s her diary and hot sister and so on too.

The Mills crew are all off on a big massive tour bus to various venues round the UK this week, to find Laura a man. The show is live from Southampton, their first stop, today at 4pm. Mills though flounced off to Southampton early last night after the chart, thus avoiding travelling on the bus and talking to Moyles this morning. Dave said Scott probably had a travel card to get the bus there instead, which prompted a funny discussion about how Chris never uses public transport with the “normo’s”, due to lack of butty wagon, air con and deoderant. Anyway, Laura herself was dragged out instead of Scott to provide a live tour of the bus at 8.15.

Chris was on the radio mic outside and went to see “where the magic happens”. The double decker tour bus, soon to be used by Robbie Williams and ex of UB40, is all done up in Radio 1 logos, Scott Mills adverts, and big pictures of Laura. Including one of her on her front with her legs in the air. Not for the first time. *cough*. Chris did a ban on all “Laura on the back of a bus” gags by the way, and said any DJ who did that this week should be suspended. Cue different gags:

Dave - Laura can I come and see your bus?
Laura - Please do come on my bus, yes
(Chris and Dave laugh)
Dave - Right, I will be coming on your bus soon

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12 people are sleeping on the bus including Laura, Scott, Chappers, Emlyn (Scott’s producer), Moyles/Mills exec Rhys Hughes (or Rice HewJees if you’re a yank), and then a load of other hangers on from Radio 1 - including people with banners and sellotape and stuff. Laura is on the top deck with Mills on the top bunk. Chris said he thought Scott would have preferred the bottom. *symbol crash*

Dave - Laura, is there room for me on top?
Laura - There’s always room for you on top Dave..
Dave - Right

Dave came to join Chris and Laura on the bus, with the worlds smallest sink and toilet. No solids crew remember. Annoyingly though, every bunk on there has it’s own bloody Playstation. The BBC - we make it what it is. Chris said it will explain everything when the guy hiring the bus to them turns out to be the winner of the competition. The full list of venues is as follows:

- Southampton: Monday, March 27th
- Cardiff: Tuesday, March 28th
- Nottingham (hurrah): Wednesday, March 29th
- Newcastle: Thursday, March 30th
- Glasgow: Friday, March 31st
The “panel” of judges will be made up of Laura, Scott, Chappers and Laura’s dad. Also featuring Jo Whiley one day, and another “mystery guest” on another. Possibly Chris, I dunno?

The One Night With Laura Mini-Site is here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/laura
On there is a “Love Calculator”, which even I find quite funny to mess around with, as did the team. Dave and Natalie Imbruglia = 46%, Moyles and Patsy Kensit = 72%, and Rach and Brad Pitt = 68%. Laura and Scott Mills equals 63% too, which is quite worrying I suppose. After Chris and Dave had got back in the studio and off the bus, they commented on Laura’s strong perfume.

Dave - When she was upstairs I could smell her downstairs..
Chris - .. yeah
Dave (laughing) - No! no!
(all laugh)
Dom - Retract immediately! Retract!
Dave - Sorry..

For all your Mills needs visit Jono’s site: http://www.themillsfansite.com/

ONE ROAD TRAVEL: WITH SLAPHEAD
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Dom - Chip Sampson is in charge of One Road Travel this morning. That’s his name..
Clip - Hi, I’m John Boller!
(Chris and Dave laugh)
Dom - Oh no..


The wrong clip needless to say. Chip lives on North Street, in King’s Kettle, Fife. He works on a farm, grows vegetables, fancies Jennifer Aniston, and is going to New Zealand soon. “Goodbye from me” and so on.

TEDIOUS, MORE MYSPACE AND RACHEL’S BIRTHDAY:
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I’ve already said it, but an amazing choice for today’s Tedious Link by Dave. Records just don’t come any better than Motorcycle Emptiness. However, light and shade and all that, they don’t come any worse than “From Paris To Berlin” by Infernal, a shoddy piece of Euro dance cheese that should be dumped in the local bargain bin with immediate effect. It was played after nine, and something tells me Aled may be responsible for that muck getting on the playlist. I agree with Chris, I would rather listen to the Celebrity Tarzan jingle on a loop than endure that bilge again. Music like that makes me appreciate how good XFM is compared to the Radio 1 playlist. No wonder Moyles only played six songs per hour today. It was 12-14 per hour when he started at Radio 1 in 1997.

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More MySpace chat next. I always find these links very entertaining. Moyles showing his true colours - he’s just as much an Internet geek as the rest of us. Dave on the other hand clearly isn’t - he was more worried about whether or not his Nazi impersonator was still on there or not. Chris said although he currently has 205 friends, he has 8500 pending requests. He can’t be arsed to look through them all so told people not to be too offended if they’re not added to his “Megababes” list. What a list too I may add. Chris said not all his pending requests are from hot chicks though, there are a lot of disillusional dogs on there who think they’re fit. Dave said their mate Tattoo Dave wants some friends, as his only friend so far is Tom. Fans of bald newsreaders may also be interested to know that Dominic Byrne now has his own page
here. When I say “now”, I mean I’ve only just found it. Chris is still worried about his My Space stalker. Pics below. They’re not nice I warn you. The t-shirts say "Chris Moyles Is God" and "One Day I will meet him":

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Oh yeah and it’s Rachel’s 32nd birthday on Wednesday! Happy birthday to Kidderminster’s number one radio producer in advance. Umm bongo.

BEEP BEEP BUSTERS:

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Roy: Today we found out Mr Walker is off to France on the ferry but can’t stand the French. Like us all Roy.

Today’s Score:
SIAN from Swansea, who works for the Inland Revenue in Essex 3
JODIE the reigning champion since Wednesday 2

Answers:- Shoes, Tummy, Donut, Pot, Goose

Jodie Wins:- A Beep Beep Busters Bathtowel

Golden Round: Sian On The G-Spot
PA - Peter Andre
GB - Gordon Brown
DD - Declan Donnelly
JS - Journey South
SB - Smoking Ban

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Show Returns: Tomorrow at 7am

Backstage Gossip: Chris has the campest electrician in the world over at his house today, ripping his walls apart and putting some new lights in. Moyles may also be writing jingles and watching the Spurs - West Brom game. Dave is having his sister over. She’s been in Australia since June and he hasn't seen her since then. Carrie will be sorting her neck out. Dom is planting grass seed suitable for a shady area (rock n roll), plus Aled has man flu and Rachel will be sleeping.

Tomorrows Review: Online evening time. I’m off to get leathered tonight so won’t be up early to start the review...

Harry Ramsdens.

Thanks, didn't spot that, show is up

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