The TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris

1: Green Day – American Idiot, 2: Kaiser Chefs – I Predict A Diet, 3: Natasha Bedingfield – Unwritten, 4: Roll Deep – Shake A Leg, 5: KT Tunstall – Suddenly I See, 6: The Strokes – Last Night, 7: Kanye West – Gold Digger, 8: Rachel Stevens – I Said Never Again, 9: White Stripes – Doorbell, 10: Jamiroquai – Little L, 11: Charlotte Church – Call My Name, 12: Mylo vs. Miami Sound Machine – Doctor Pressure, 13: Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Zephyr Song, 14: Kylie Minogue – Shocked (tedious), 15: Foo Fighters – DOA, 16: Ms. Dynamite – Judgement Day, 17: Inaya Day – Nasty Girl, 18: Franz Ferdinand – Take Me Out, 19: Sean Paul – We Be Burnin’, 20:

”I could be gammon”

Chris: “She’s very small, only 4 foot 2 – like an Ewok but less hairy”

Dave: “she’ll probably have a few people with her – hair and make up… nutritionist…”

So, today was all about Charlotte Church, which is a change, I’d anticipate, from your average day. Normally my days are not all about Charlotte Church, though in recent months she has permeated my consciousness with reasonable regularity due to her new-found pop stardom, and her “young Victoria Beckham” status, acquired through dating a pretty yet rather unintelligent sportsman. Before this morning, I was pretty apathetic about Charlotte Church. Admittedly, I’m still not too fussed. But she did come across well in today’s interview.

First of all, she has got a voice like auditory intercourse. I’m not even a big old lady-lover or anything, but I can appreciate that Charlotte Church’s speaking voice is arguably rather saucy. Her singing voice, in contrast, can be a bit honky and irritating and like a poor man’s Beverley Knight. But it appears that smoking 70 fags a day, drinking like a bench-bound wino and sleeping with a man-sized rugby-playing Satsuma, has done wonders for her Frostrup-esque morning rasp. She doesn’t sound like Big Mo off Eastenders, or anything.

Welshness was a big focus of this morning’s Church-fest, with Aled providing phrasebook clips for Charlotte and the team to practise. This was fairly funny – perhaps funniest with Chris dropping these phrases into Dom’s news bulletins, thus forcing Dom to converse with a recorded Aled in a language he doesn’t understand. Charlotte herself seemed to understand a bit of the Welshing but perhaps wasn’t really too impressed with the running joke. However, she did crack open a comedy Welsh accent a few times, which was nice.

Chris asked Charlotte how she gets paid, and she revealed that she lives off her interest and has to ask her Trust for big allowances. She won’t get her capital until like 2070:

Charlotte: “I can just about scrape together two pennies for a packet of Skips”

They then went on to talk about “lush” Gavin. Charlotte refused to reveal what her pet name for him is:

Charlotte: “it’s nothing cute”
Chris: “what is it, arsehead or something?”

She then said that she does hope to marry him one day. It was all very much like a 19 year old girl talking about her boyfriend and her finances and her life, except her boyfriend is an international rugby star, her finances are in the billions, and her life is significantly more exciting than the lives of most 19 year olds. Apart from that, it was just like hearing an interview with the girl who works on the pick and mix counter at your local Woolworths.

Chris asked Charlotte if she and Gavin have the “Celebrity pass” pact going on (i.e. a celebrity that your partner will allow you to sleep with, if you happen to chance upon them), and she was aghast at the concept:

Chris: “Gavin would probably enjoy it, because you can have roast beef every day, but sometimes, you just want a Big Mac”
Charlotte: “well, I can be Big Mac, I can be roast beef… I can be gammon…”
Dave: “with a pineapple slice”
Charlotte: “and a fried egg”

Chris went on to confront Charlotte on the nicknames issue, and asked if Charlotte and Gavin have names for “little Gavin” and “the little Charlottes”, to which she squealed and maintained that they hadn’t. Rachel then interjected and told Chris to stop asking such questions:

Chris: “so Rachel, you’re telling me that your boyfriend hasn’t got a pet name for your boobs?”
Rachel: “No!”
Charlotte: “Does your girlfriend, Chris?”
Chris: “No, my girlfriend doesn’t have a pet name for Rachel’s boobs”
Charlotte: “What about yours?”

Charlotte stayed to listen to the Kylie Minogue song, and left at just after 9. Back off to the Wales. Bless.

Car Park Catchphrase

Rachel: “You need to be in a car, be in a car park, and not be stupid”

Michael the sales rep from Biddeford vs. Louise the student nurse from somewhere Scottish. Roy’s comedy friends today were called Seymour Boobies, Jock Strap and Chris Peacock.

Despite the very specific call for non-stupid people, today’s CPC contestants weren’t really that great. Having said that, “under the cosh” was a dodgy clue and a catchphrase that even a seasoned catchphrase professional like myself didn’t get. Louise got “monkey business” eventually (after Michael’s illogical attempt with “working with monkeys”). Michael then went on to redeem himself by getting “fly in the ointment”, and then everyone was gone and it was all over.

Other Things

Chris on the intro to the new Rachel Stevens song: “Is this Status Quo?”; and regarding Rachel Stevens in general: “I don’t think anyone’s said this officially yet, but, really Rachel, where are you trying to go with this? You’re bobbling around the charts like a solo Spice Girl. Pack it in love. Come in Rachel Stevens, your time is up”

Towards the end of the show, Chris began shouting at Dom: “DOM, YOU HAVE AN EGG FOR A HEAD” in a horrible retarded voice. Subsequently, an alleged 3000 people texted in with “Dom, you have an egg for a head”.

Thanks, didn't spot that, show is up

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