The TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris

1: Black Eyed Peas – Let’s Get It Started, 2: Razorlight – Somewhere Else, 3: Rihanna – Pon De Replay, 4: Rolling Stones – Start Me Up, 5: Kylie Minogue – Love At First Sight, 6: Kaiser Chiefs – I Predict A Riot, 7: Kelly Clarkson – Behind These Hazel Eyes, 8: The Rasmus – In The Shadows, 9: Gorillaz – DARE, 10: Jamesy P – Nookie, 11: Usher – Yeah, 12: David Gray – The One I Love, 13: Freemasons feat. Amanda Wilson – Love On My Mind, 14: Ian Brown – F.E.A.R (tedious), 15: Pussycat Dolls – Don’tcha, 16: Elbow – Forget Myself, 17: KT Tunstall – Suddenly I See, 18: Les Rhythmes Digitales – Jacques Your Body

Awards awards awards

Last night, Chris and Rachel and Dave went to swanky awards ceremonies. One of them won an award. One of them got battered on free champagne. One of them hung out with “the best in contemporary music”. Can you guess which was which? Ooh, it’s a game.

For the second year in a row, Chris was voted “Best Radio Personality” at the GQ awards. GQ is, in my opinion, a big poncy shiny boy’s magazine (the magazine is shiny, not the boys) and has never been as good as Loaded. But anyway, Chris was proud. And Rachel got drunk for free, so everyone’s a winner. Or a “winer”, in Rachel’s case. Do you see what I did there?

As an additional bonus for Chris receiving his award (on top of the little statue and a goody bag), his table was given a big huge bottle of champagne. Rachel’s behaviour following her consumption of this level of champagne led to a “guess what”. Rachel was dancing with Davina McCall, who is “very bouncy”. Chris’s Sophie joined in, and all of a sudden the three of them got papped. And then Charlotte Church rocked up and started joining in. And then, said Rachel, “by that point I thought I ought to go home”. Bless.

At the ceremony, Chris hung out with Charlotte Church’s mother, who told him that Gavin “orange” Church doesn’t know who Burt Bacharach is. The shame. Chris was “up and down like bride’s nightie” having fags as the venue was non-smoking, and the Russian waiter was rude and aggressive (and sounded not unlike a Bond villain in Chris’s impression) when Chris asked for beer. The award for Band of the Year went to Coldplay, whilst Man of Year was Jay-Z – both of which just go to show what bland, desperate, blazer-wearing idiots read GQ.

Dave went to the Mercury Music Prize do at the Grosvenor Hotel, where he didn’t actually talk to any of the nominees, and despite being surrounded by the alleged cream of the British music industry, the only famous people he remarked upon seeing were Jools Holland and , who he did as a “guess who”.

Chris: “What did you make of the winning band?”
Dave: “Eclectic is the word I would choose. He does look a bit like dawn French. They were interesting.”
Dom: “It’s very soulful”
Dave: “He’s got a very high voice for a man”
Chris: “He’s a fat transvestite”
Dom: “He’s not fat, he’s just massive”
Dave: “MIA looks like Konnie Huq”

Antony and the Johnsons, eh? Probably should have been Maximo Park really, shouldn’t it? Antony looks like a man called Tiny who used to be the singer for a band called Ultrasound in the mid 90’s, if anyone cares. They were better than Antony and the Johnson’s. So if you’re hungry for that “hulking pale warbling demi-transvestite” vibe, but don’t fancy the whiny jazz bilge of Antony and the Johnsons, you’re better off going for Ultrasound. Just FYI, like.

Say No To Wogan

For those of you who don’t know, Chris has 2 million less listeners than Uncle Terry Wogan on Radio 2. This irks Chris, and so he’s decided that he wishes to entice 1 million of those Wogan listeners to his show, in order to even the score. He plans to entice these listeners with a “Let the kids listen to Chris” campaign – working on the notion that “the kids” are being forced to listen to Terry Wogan by their fuddy-duddy parents and/or legal guardians. Good premise for the use of a modified version of “No Limit” by 2 Unlimited, and the Grange Hill “Just Say No” song.

The “Say No To Wogan” campaign has been featured in the Bizarre column of The Sun, as a consequence of which one reader texted The Sun to call Chris a “sad, painfully unfunny excuse for a DJ”. Chris feels like Victoria Newton, the Bizarre column editor, is trying to make this whole Wogan-Moyles friendly rivalry into something of a bitch fight, but is more concerned that Wogan has some kind of squad texting into the column to make Tel look more popular than he really is, therefore he implored Moyles listeners to text in themselves. And at least one of them did, because he e-mailed Chris to tell him that the text had been sent. Which was pointless.

A listener who used to get the bus into school with Rhys the producer (or whatever he is) texted in to regale the team with a story of when Rhys organised a petitition to have Radio 1 played on the bus, rather than Radio 2, which the driver preferred. Dave responded to this news with “even then, Rhys was an activist”. Like Wolfie Smith, but with less vowels.

Rob DJ’s pub quiz

Bloody Rob DJ’s pub quiz. I usually manage to get out of reviewing it because it’s on earlier in the week. This week, because of football quizzes and suchlike earlier in the week, Rob DJ’s quiz was relegated to Wednesday. And rest assured anyone who might be distressed because they missed it as it wasn’t in it’s usual slot – it was still bobbins.

Rachel: “playing for the boys is Tony Rossetti… he’s half Italian”
Dom: “get out of town”

That was funny, a bit.

So here are the questions, and the answers, and if you don’t want to know the answers, turn your monitor upside down, or something…

1: Who wrote “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”?
Roald Dahl
2: What do paleontologists study?
3: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
Teapot (Dave said “tit”)
4: Which Australian city was named after William IV’s wife?
Adelaide (Tony was “hoping he was gay, and put Sydney”)
5: What are the values of A, B and C if C+A+B=40, A+A+B=33, and C+C+C=60?
C = 20, A = 13, B = 7 (Dave: “it’s impossible”, Chris: “I lost the will to live”)

Carrie won, with 3 out of 5. Chris got aggravated about it and maintained that Rachel aided Carrie in her cheating by never asking her for her answers first. He then went on to begin “Carrie’s Pub Quiz”, which swiftly degenerated into random members of the team posing questions:

1: What is Bono’s real name?
Paul Hewson
2: “Wideboy” and “Radio Musicola” were songs released by who?
Nick Kershaw
3: Chris: “what time of the day was I born”?
4: Dave: according to the periodic table, which element is represented by the letter W?
5: Rachel: who was the founder of the penny post?
Roland Hill (Dave: “is it Penny Smith?”)
6: Dom: I was born on the tenth of November. Back in the eighties I shared my birthday with a popstar. But who?
7: Chris: Which member of the Chris Moyles team cheats during the pub quiz?

This farrago about Carrie cheating on the pub quiz went on for bloody ages, and she didn’t even sound that amused by it. I wasn’t that amused by it either. Such is life.

Car Park Chuffing Catchphrase

Roisin the ambulance rota person from somewhere unpronounceable vs. Liam the silly electrician from Dunstable who didn’t really understand the premise of the whole thing (Chris: “God bless you Liam, you’re such an arse”).

Roisin got “spend a penny” and “how the cookie crumbles” and won! Yay! And Chris asked her to sleep with him and said she’d be an ideal candidate because “you’d need an ambulance standing by”, which Dave said was “unsavoury”.

Really quite amusing was Chris responding to Liam being an idiotic Home Counties geezah by singing:

“Knees up mother Brown
Knees up mother Brown
I’m so thick and irritating
Shoot me in the leg”

Other Things

Chris asking Dom if he wants to go to wig shop where his Mercury Awards prediction VT was filmed:
Dom: “No, I’m fine”
Chris: “Well you’re not fine, you’re bald”

Dave addressing that “Shaun Ryder sounds like Dave on the new Gorillaz song” issue by coming in with “it’s DAVE” at the relevant moment and sounding, ooh, exactly like the record.

Chris: “Every last second there of David Gray, and that’s for you if you’re a Cyclops”

Dom: “I get a panic attack every time I hear bats and balls”
Dave: “Good job you don’t live in a cave”

Chris to Dave during tedious link: “Do you need to burp?”
Dave: “I’ve got a cold and I’m a bit full of stuff”

TCMS Unedited Monday 18th January, 2021 http[…]