The TV & Radio Show Reviews
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By Chris

1: Goldie Lookin’ Chain – Your Missus Is A Nutter, 2: Stereophonics – Dakota, 3: Beyonce – Crazy In Love, 4: Oasis – The Importance Of Being Idle, 5: Akon – Bananza (Belly Dancer), 6: The Strokes – Reptilia, 7: Black Eyed Peas – Don’t Lie, 8: Snow Patrol – Chocolate, 9: Jem – Wish I, 10: Coldplay – Clocks, 11: Goldfrap – Ooh La La, 12: Foo Fighters – Lyla (live Oasis cover), 13: The Darkness – I Believe In A Thing Called Love, 14: Jamiroquai – Seven Days In Sunny June, 15: James Blunt – Beautiful, 16: All Saints – Never Ever (tedious), 17: Kaiser Chefs – I Predict A Diet, 18: Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx – Gold Digger, 19: Green Day – American Idiot, 20: Les Rhythmes Digitales – Jacques Your Body, 21 The Bravery – Unconditional

Before we begin…

Kids, today’s show was a bit disjointed, I thought, and (much as it pains me to say this) even a little bit boring. My mind kept wandering, and much as I’d love to regale you all with a review full of those wanderings, they’d be fairly irrelevant. For example, I spent a lot of time thinking about my Frank Sinatra cross-stitch, and the new heating element that we had put in our boiler yesterday. See, you just don’t care do you?

It just didn’t seem like there was much of a plan in place for today’s show, and the usual team banter didn’t do it for me – there just wasn’t that much notable amusingness. Oh, and that Kaiser Chefs song isn’t funny either. But hell, I still love the Chris Moyles Breakfast Show, much like I will love my own firstborn child, but without the placenta. So here are the bits that I enjoyed from today…

Guess Who

Dominic saw Goldie in High Wycombe or wherever he lives. He was “really cool, on the High Street, on the phone, with his teeth”. Chris suggested that Goldie sounds a bit like a male Rachel. I think Goldie is a bit ominous, but he was a rubbish villain in Eastenders, worse than Johnny Allen, and he’s terrible.

Dave saw on Callum Best on the streets of London. He was probably trying to sleep with someone. Callum Best, not Dave, he’s married, he had an anniversary and everything. Most amusing was this section:

Carrie: Does this person have a son who played football?
Dave: No, quite the opposite.
Dom: Does this person have a son who didn’t play football?

“Bruce Grobelaar” ordered a hot beef and onion roll and a portion of chips from Longman. However, Longman himself never actually saw him, and this unconfirmed sighting came from the woman working behind the counter who said that he “looked a bit like him”.

Men and women sending in photos of themselves

Further to the team receiving a picture of Longman with a “fan” at the V Festival, and Carrie being distressed by the low-slung nature of his slacks, conversation turned to attractiveness and photos and things.

Some bird sent Chris a picture of herself and asked him to support her entry into some “Miss Something” competition. Chris and Dave went on to debate how attractive aforementioned woman was. Discussion abounded on the attractiveness of various women who had sent pictures to the show.

Later in the show Chris, in the interest of fairness to the female team members, invited male listeners to send in pictures of themselves. Rachel and Carrie were universally unimpressed by the calibre of the snaps, as they usually are when things like this happen.

Pretty much exactly like the “Mr/Miss Chris Moyles Breakfast Show” feature that was run a few months ago, then, and pretty much as mildly unfunny and radio-unfriendly as it was then. Ho-hum.

Car Park Catchphrase

Chris the lycra-wearing dancing man and physicist from Stoke versus Kate the “visual merchandiser” (window dresser, then) from Chichester.

Kate got “wiping the slate clean” because Chris thought she sounded cute. Chris the dancing man got “pull the other one”.

And then, all of a sudden, Chris had to pack it all in and invite the kids back on tomorrow because they’d run out of time. What a load of gubbins.

Other Things

Chris: “I went for a little Italian last night… the little bugger got away from me.”

Dave on some 80’s test-card music (i.e. what the BBC put on if something goes buggered up) that they played after Dom’s travel: “It’s mood electro-funk, idiot”. Dom responded to more of the music with “I love this, this is fresh”.

Carrie rushing in to take part in “Guess Who”: “Sorry I was on the loo I’m just doing my trousers up”

Chris on “Louis Armstrong” doing the promotion of the Radio 1 Advice Line, for ages, being only marginally funny: “I like that, but I think we’ve done it now, really”.

Chris doing some weird hybrid of Barry White and Louis Armstrong, in the bit after James Blunt sings his unnecessary first line in “Beautiful”: “You pipe down James, we ain’t got no time for none of your singing just yet. Now, for all the ladies in the audience, here’s one just for you…”

“Louis Armstrong” on Dom’s rhyming travel news: “I have to say your rhyme was fine, you should do that all the time”

I am tremendously amused by the title of that song that’s used in the advert with your dancing car, that punnery is like woah. And also, “Unconditional” is by far the best single that The Bravery have released, don’t you all think? Good.

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