Wednesday 30th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 30 2004 by MC_]

1. Franz Ferdinand - Take Me Out 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 3. Evanescence - Going Under, 4. Nina Sky feat Jabba - Move Ya Body, 5. BUZZ OFF - Ugly Kid Joe - Everything About You 7:30 NEWSBEAT 6. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 7. Stereophonics - Maybe Tomorrow, 8. D12 - How Come 8:00 NEWSBEAT 9. Puretone - Addicted To Bass, 10. Outkast - Roses, 11. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 12. Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending 8:30 NEWSBEAT 13. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 14. Jay-Z - Girls Girls Girls, 15. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl, 16. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 17. Zoe - Sunshine On A Rainy Day (Tedious Link), 18. Usher - Burn, 19. Snow Patrol - Spitting Games, 20. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk 9:30 NEWSBEAT 21. Kelis - Trick Me, 22. Oakenfold - Starry Eyed Surprise, 23. The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army

Chris began this morning’s show with more Big Brother chat. He watched it again last night on Channel 4 and said that he is now really enjoying this years series, although on a totally different level to all the previous ones - as he hates almost everybody in there. Especially the psychotic Marco and the just plain irritating “chicken” Michelle. Dave watched it too last night but said that he is just finding it really difficult to care about it this year. Like me, I think both Chris and Dave like Jason and Victor. Jason just because he seems to be heading for a major nervous breakdown, and Victor cos he’s so arrogant and such a game player that it’s funny...and ting. Victor thinks that the new chesty toe sucker Bekki fancies Jason, although Chris said he’d rather cop off with Richard Whiteley than with her. Not a pleasant thought for 6:55 in the morning. Chris (along with most other people I presume) thinks the ditsy blond Shell is by far the prettiest in there, but apart from that the girls are nowt special...and by the way I wasn’t including Nadia in that “girl” category. Chris said a week ago he was spending his nights in Portugal trying to chat up local waitresses, yet now he was sitting at home and watching Big Brother every evening - rock a loo la. If it wasn’t for Mr Arse Meier, we would be playing Holland tonight in the semi finals of Euro 2004. Dave (for some reason) is now supporting the Portuguese, although Chris said he genuinely doesn’t care anymore and has lost all interest in the tournament. I’d go along with that, although Dave couldn’t for some reason. He said he still cared about seeing some of the finest players in Europe, even if Chris didn’t. Sticking with Euro 2004 and Portugal for a minute, Chris told Dominic to tell Dave the “hole in the sand” story from the beach last weekend. Dom told Dave that while him, Chappers and Rachel were out frolicking in the sea, him and Chris had come up with an ingenious plan to dig a hole in the sand and put Dom’s wife sarong over it (don’t worry, she was still wearing a bikini). The idea was to cover it up and thus make Dave sit and fall in it when returning from the sea. However, Dom, his wife Nic and Chris all got bored of waiting for the sarong fall after an hour or so, so they packed up and went to a nearby cafe for a beer. Dave said he did know about this story to some extent, as while packing up later, he somehow managed to step backwards into the now uncovered hole, almost twisting his ankle in the process. Dom said that was possibly even funnier than the original plan. Wes was covering Early Breakfast for Nemone today, which was causing a bit of annoyance in Studio 3...
Chris - I think what Nemone has done is that now Sara Cox has gone, she’s got all of Coxy’s holidays and her own, and all of Dave Pearce’s sick days. Put them all together and she now works four weeks a year..
Dave - We should become Olympic athletes too y’know

Dave’s Introductory Service/Beat The Intro was back again today, with Vitty beating Carrie 3-2. Chris said this meant Carrie was officially a dumb blond, although granted still a lot more attractive than Dave. Dave said Carrie was looking very nice today actually, with her little strappy off the shoulder top. Chris said you can actually see down that if you stand behind her on a chair (as you do). Dave said he hadn’t noticed that for himself. Chris played a trail for Radio One’s new daytime line up of himself, Jo “fresh knickers” Whiley, Colin and Edith and Scott Mills...
(off the back of trail)
Chris - Can I just say, if you listen to Radio One regularly then fair enough - there is an advert for four of the shows. However, if you’d never listened to Radio One before in your life, wouldn’t you think we were a bunch of dysfunctional morons
(him and Dave laugh)
Chris - You’ve got me sexually harassing somebody, Jo Whiley then putting me down, Colin getting Edith to dress up in a nurses outfit like some bad carry on movie, and then Scott Mills phoning up some girl in a burger bar as Jack Black and telling her to stick Chicken McNuggets up her backside. Welcome to the exciting new world of Radio One..
(plays Streets)
Sticking with the subject of Scott’s show, Chris was unhappy that some trout faced caller (his words not mine) had rung up yesterday and claimed that her and her dad think Chris is the UK’s campest man. Scott is doing some sort of Campman feature at the moment y’see. Chris played out the clip, which finished with Scott telling her that he’d send her out the new McFly album.
Chris - Punishment indeed for the precocious stage school wannabe
(plays trail)
Buzz Off this morning was a top, top tune - Everything About You by Ugly Kid Joe (number 3 back in June 1992). Rachel was first to buzz on 1:19 and Aled next on 3:28. Dave left it well alone and the text vote was overwhelmingly Buzz On too. I just think it was nice to hear a song with a proper ending being played on Radio One, and not just some cop out fade. Other music on the show today included Puretone, The Hives and the great new single by Avril Lavigne called My Happy Ending (out on August 9th). Along with He Wasn’t, it’s by far the stand out track on her top new album “Under My Skin”. If you read the review yesterday then you’ll no doubt know about Chris’s childish fart machine antics on the Jo Whiley Show. He said he wasn’t proud of them...then admitted he was and replayed the clips. He said he knew it was very immature but it was still hilarious, and by the sounds of it both Dom and Carrie agreed. This as they broke down during their 8:30 Newsbeat bulletin, which was pestered with fart sound effects. Chris said that following his success on the Jo Whiley Show, he is now off to hide the fart machine in Wogan’s Radio 2 studio. He did brilliant impressions of what Wogan’s show and the Today programme on Radio 4 would sound like if interrupted by his fart machine.


ALED’S AMAZING CHILD PRODIGIES:
It started out as just normal bit of post news chat with Dom, but with the contribution of Aled it escalated into the main talking point of this morning’s show - child development. Dom told Chris that his son Finton is fine. He’s nearly a year old and is crawling now. Chris said he didn’t know if that was good or not as he doesn’t understand how old babies are meant to before they do certain things, e.g walk and talk. The idea is that it’s roughly one to walk and two to talk. Chris said that was appalling - you have to wait two years for your child to have a conversation with you. Dom burst out laughing at this point and asked Chris what conversation he wanted to have with a child of two. Chris said that babies really know how to speak instantly, and he claimed that they are just lazy for the first two years of their life. Again Dom sniggered at this point..
Chris - Hey, I don’t just make these things up
Dom (still sniggering) - Absolutely not
Chris - I’m not just an idiot
(Dom makes strange noise combining a laugh with a gulp and a choke)
(Dave and Carrie laugh)
Chris said he was no child psychology expert (no sh*t sherlock) but has read between the lines and thinks that kids could be cooking barbecues and stuff at six, but just choose not to cos they’re lazy. Despite his protests that he doesn’t get and isn’t ready for kids, Rachel thinks Chris will make a great dad.
Dave - You can relate to children, you speak on their level
Chris took that as a compliment although I’m not sure she should have. Aled said he thinks Chris would make a great dad too. That got Chris thinking about what Aled would be like as a dad. Aled said that he’d make a great dad as he’s good with kids and his friends often give him theirs to look after for weekends and stuff. Chris branded him a liar but Aled claimed that three weeks ago he looked after his friends kids for the weekend, 13 month old Karl and 9 month old Pippa. Aled added that this wasn’t in his rat infested flat by the way. Chris was interested to know what Aled would do to keep a 9 month old girl entertained for a weekend...
Aled - We’d play games, go running around the park...
(collective shouts from Chris and Dave - both laughing)
Dave - Aled you don’t go running at nine months!!
Chris - Seriously Aled, what are you on about?
Aled - They run! They do!
Dave - No they don’t!!!

(Madman Aled)
Aled added that Pippa has a more enhanced vocabulary than Karl, despite being four months younger. Chris said Aled is heading for a nervous breakdown if he keeps going on like this. He said it seems even Jones is starting to believe his own lies and has got himself caught up in a major one..
Dave - I think it’s the fictional work of a madman
(Dom and Carrie laugh)
Aled said Chris underestimated his skills with kids and insisted that it did happen. He said Karl and Pippa weren’t brother and sister, but were from two separate families who were “close friends”. Chris called him a creche and said he was the BBC’s new unofficial nursery service - Aled Doubtfire. Dave kept stressing to Aled that he really should check their birth certificates:
Chris (impersonating Aled) - Yes we go running in the park and er..we do the Times crossword together (Dave laughs)
Chris - How old is she? She’s 8 weeks
Dave (joining in while laughing) - We went wind surfing, it was great
Chris (laughs) - We’re going to Paris at the weekend and we’re gonna bring her along cos her French is brilliant!!
(Dave laughs)
Chris - ...*sighs*, jesus
Aled - I tell you, he’s better at football than I am (Dave laughs)
Chris - Oh my god, so are dead people!!!
Chris realised that three weeks ago Aled was on his Where’s Aled tour with Security Bear Paul. Aled said yeah they were, but they were near Leicester where his friends live - and they all stayed in a hotel together. Chris recapped to get the story straight - 3 weeks ago he and huge black guy Security Bear Paul stayed together in a Leicester Hotel with two kids from separate families, that Aled then went running in the park with..
Aled - Yes
Chris said Aled really is a pathological liar who can’t separate fact from fiction anymore. He needs some help that's for sure..

DR. MARK HAMILTON LIVE ON THE PHONE:>>>>
Dr. Mark linked up live with the show after 7:30, coming live from the studio set up in his own house in Manchester (which presumably is how he records stuff throughout the week for Newsbeat). After briefly chatting about him, his wife and his five year old son seeing Sophie at Glastonbury last week, Mark got on to the serious stuff - Aled’s story. Mark said that it wasn’t beyond the realms of possibility, but it was pretty damn close. Aled interrupted to say that he had now checked his facts and got the correct ages for his two amazing child prodigies. Karl is 15 months old (not 13), and Pippa is actually older at 16 months (and not 9). Another example of Aled’s blatant incompetence, but at least at these ages Mark said the story was more believable. This wasn’t the reason why Mark was on the show today though, it was actually to give an on air check up on Comedy Dave. Just to clarify again, Dave has come back from Portugal with an ear infection and diagnosed conjunctivitis in his left eye. Dave said a doctor had told him yesterday that his ear infection was due to a mixture of wax build up and the ear being closed due to inflammation inside the ear hole. Mark seemed to understand (well he is a real doctor) and asked Dave which of the two infections had come first and if they were matching eyes and ears. Dave said the eye was first and they are an opposing eye and ear combo. Mark said in that case he may like to see Dave for a bit of study when he comes down this weekend..
Dave - Shall we do it in the pub?
Dr. Mark (laughs) - Yeah we can do yeah
(Chris laughs)
Dave said he’d got both infections from sharing a pool with all the scumbags from Radio One, who’ve (in his words) “infested me with all sorts of muck”. Dr Mark said that his eye infection would have been caused by him collecting bacteria in his fingernails and then rubbing his eyes. Dave said that his fingernails haven’t been collecting bacteria though, they’ve just been in normal places that fingers go...
Dave - Thumbing through books and stuff
(Chris and Dr. Mark laugh)
Dr. Mark - The last time you thumbed through a book Dave, when was that?
Chris (interrupts) - It was a pamphlet for his new microwave

(The Sunday Surgery - Emma B and Dr. Mark Hamilton)

ALED’S RAT UPDATE:

Aled was back to give a rat update after 8:00. He said investigations yesterday have discovered that the rat’s nest is actually under his own bed, so he has set up his own computer nearby with a motion detecting webcam to film the rat and stick it online. In fact there is now a whole new section dedicated to it at Radio 1 ONLINE - For that please click here.
Dave - Where did you get hold of a webcam so quickly?
Aled - I’ve got one
Dave - Oh (laughs)
Aled - Yeah, all computers come with webcams now, and this is a motion detecting one so if you move it takes a video
(Chris and Rachel laugh)
Rachel - Oh Aled!
Chris - Why do you possess a motion detecting webcam that takes video?
Aled - All new computers have them. That was standard with the computer when I bought it
Dave - So now you have it trained on the hole?
(Chris laughs)
Aled said that as soon as the rat is spotted on the webcam, the pic will be put straight up on Radio One ONLINE.
Aled - When I have something I’ll put it straight up
(Chris laughs)
Dave - Blimey...9:05. Every day another single entendre..
Rachel - We love you Aled (laughs)
Dave - You make our life so easy. We don’t even have to write this stuff
After the show yesterday, Aled told Chris that he was ringing up a rat place to try and arrange for some people to come round to his flat and sort it out. With the whole “rat in me kitchen” thing from yesterday, Chris thought it would be funny for Aled to ring a place up from work and then try to fit in as many UB40 song titles as he could, which no doubt would have hilarious consequences *cough*. However, it soon became clear that Aled was no Steve Penk and not the greatest wind up phone call prankster in the world. After the slightly confused woman from the rat place put the phone down on Aled, Chris said it was like Noel Edmonds had never left Radio One. Dave said maybe “Aled’s rubbish wind up” could become a regular feature on the show....*cough*....or maybe not.

ALED’S FLAT IDOL - DAY 1:>>>>

The show was Aled mungus today as Chris continued on the subject of his flat - and in particular the two sponging blokes who live there without a job. Chris called them stupid losers and said that Aled was a sucker who was too nice to kick either of them out..
Chris - What are their names again?
Aled - No I think that’s a line I better not cross
Chris - Ok, and then the other one?
(all laugh)
Chris said because they know Aled won’t do anything about them despite their unemployment and lack of contribution to the rent, him and Dave have decided to boot them out and find 2 new flat mates for Aled in the new show feature - Flat Idol. Surprisingly Aled found this “cool” and seemed quite happy with the idea..

PROFILE OF IDEAL CANDIDATE -:
- Male or Female, he doesn’t mind the sex (so to speak)
**Aled - Not too attractive
Chris - Why?
Dave - That rules us out then
Chris - Yeah
(Rachel laughs)**
- Age, 35 or under
- Hair Colour, not important
- Star Sign, Leo
**Dave (laughs) - Whoa, whoa, whoa - you’re not fussed on hair colour or gender, but they have to be Leo?!!**
- Pets, no cats and only small dogs cos big dogs scare Aled (cue laughter)
- Vegetarians fine as long as they don’t mind Aled eating meat in front of them
* Don’t miss tomorrow mornings show as there’ll be more Flat Idol with Chris trying to find Aled two brand new flat mates

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
OWEN a sharp T-Mobile telecommunications engineer from Disley 2
KATIE a cute sounding French student from Norwich 1

Daves Tedious Link
Basement Jaxx Rendez-Vu - “Rendez-Vu” is a French word, as are poisson, baguette and beret - The plural of beret is berets, which shouldn’t be mistaken for berries, which you might find in a fruit salad - Fruit salad is often served with cream - Cream Of Mushroom is a type of soup - Soup is best eaten with a spoon - Spoons are the cutlery of choice for high profile bender Uri Geller - Uri Geller shares the same surname as both Monica and Ross Geller, who were characters in the now defunct series Friends - Friends was set in New York, even though secretly it was filmed in LA - LA stands for Los Angeles, the city of angels - Angels was a big hit for Robbie Williams and featured on the album Life Thru A Lens - The plural of lens is lenses, as in contact lenses which I can’t wear until I clear up my rare and serious eye condition called conjunctivitis - Conjunctivitis affects the eye area around the eyeball - Ball is a popular surname for celebrities with first names such as Alan, Bobby, Johnny and of course Zoe - and when you think of the name Zoe in the context of early 90’s one hit wonders who sung about changeable weather in the form of sunshine on rainy days, you think of Zoe and Sunshine On A Rainy Day - Which links us predictably to Zoe and Sunshine On A Rainy Day

> Wednesday June 30th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Tuesday 29th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Tuesday, June 29 2004 by MC_]

1. The Rasmus - In The Shadows 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Kylie Minogue - Love At First Sight, 3. Kelis - Trick Me, 4. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk, 5. BUZZ OFF - Paula Abdul with The Wild Pair - Opposites Attract, 6. Joss Stone - Fell In Love With A Boy 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Angel City feat Lara McAllen - Love Me Right, 8. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes, 9. Will Young - Friday's Child, 10. Snow Patrol - Chocolate 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 12. Ms Dynamite - Dy-Na-Mi-Tee, 13. The Ordinary Boys - Talk Talk Talk, 14. N*E*R*D - She Wants To Move 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 16. Robbie Williams - Feel, 17. Blink 182 - Down, 18. Basement Jaxx - Rendez-Vu (Tedious Link), 19. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 20. Ash - Starcrossed, 21. Outkast - Roses, 22. Girls Aloud - The Show 9:30 NEWSBEAT 23. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 24. Joe Budden - Pump It Up, 25. Maroon 5 - This Love

After a quick thanks to the crazy radio maverick that is Nemone, Chris went straight on into the first major discussion topic of this morning’s show - sesame chicken toast. It’s the future kids. Tasted for the very first time by Mr Moyles last night, at a very nice Chinese place down the road from him. He’d never been there before but said it was lovely. Dave said he must go eat there in that case, as he’s driven past there loads of times but has not been inside once. Chris said he recommended the spicy chicken, noodles and the pork dumplings in particular..
Chris - Morning then. I’m Chris, this is my friend Dave
Dave - Hello
Chris - and we’re talking chicken
(7:00 news stab)
Sport girl Carrie thought that last night’s chicken may have been having somewhat of a knock on effect on Moyles, this was because all she could hear was fart noises in the studio during her 7am bulletin. Chris said he could see Carrie “flapping” over there (cue Dave’s pig squeal laughter) and admitted that he did have a fart machine on him today, hidden somewhere in the studio. Carrie’s sport bulletin quickly turned into a bit of a shambles, as she fell around with laughter so much that she gave up half way through her script. Chris said he was surprised that serious BBC Sport journalist Carrie was letting herself go at such childish toilet humour. Cue laughter from 32 year old husband and father Dominic Byrne..
Chris - We’re doing the Radio One Breakfast Show. We’re all grown adults...
(Dom laughs)
Chris - ...and your in tears cos of this little fart machine
Dom said that to be fair it was the pitch of the fart that was putting him off the most, rather than the actual fart itself. High brow stuff I’m sure you’ll agree ladies and gentlemen...
Chris (over Kylie intro) - 7 minutes past 7, a childish way to start the show. I think we’ve found the level already Dave
Dave - I think I can see us heading for a Sony Radio award
Dave said that while the team’s childish brand of humour seems to offend certain listeners, it’s also equally embraced by other members of the audience. For example those who texted in to say that they have a fart sound effect for their ringtone...jeez. I say just put it on vibrate and silent like I do. After his evening Chinese last night, Chris stayed in and watched TV all evening. His line up included Henman - Philippoussis in the tennis, the depressingly boring EastEnders at 9 o’clock...and then Big Brother. More on that in a sec - first a couple of things on the tennis. Chris found the Henman match thoroughly enjoyable, apart from the ugly, large women in the crowd who were draped in union jack flags. Chris played out the commentary from Tim’s winning match point and said that he was playing his own game last night while he was watching the match. He was trying to hear who the last person was to shout out “come on Tim” in the crowd before each point. He said that if anyone was going to Wimbledon today then they should play the same game - regardless of whether or not Tim was actually playing, or whether it was Roger Frederer against Lleyton Buzzard (or whoever - very funny). Chris asked Carrie who the fit blond one was at Wimbledon this year. She’s 17, is called Maria Sharapova and is Russian/American...and extremely, extremely hot. She’s only three days older than me too. Hmm, professional tennis player or chrismoyles.net show reviewer? I know where the money lies (and it’s not here). Onto Big Brother next and Chris said that he is really enjoying the series so far, despite his doubts at the start. Dave hasn’t seen much of it so Chris filled him in on what’s happening. Marco is a psychotic chimp, Michelle is an annoying Geordie who says “chicken” a lot, and Nadia is a transsexual who varies her accent between effeminate Portuguese and deep Yorkshire.

Buzz Off this morning took us back to April 1990 - it was the number 2 hit Opposites Attract by Paula Abdul and the Wild Pair. Rachel was first to buzz in on 2 minutes 22 seconds, followed by Dave on 3 mins 14. Aled was last on 3 mins 32, but only because Chris had to fit another record in before the 7:30 news. The text vote was 50.39% in favour of Buzz On btw. With his 1990 compilation CD out, Chris decided to bring back everyone’s favourite this morning - Dave’s Introductory Service. He was calling it “Beat the intro” for some strange reason, although it didn’t matter as Dave still kicked everyone’s arse. Firstly he managed to draw 3-3 with Aled, despite Jones having five second head starts on each tune. Then he proceeded to demolish Carrie 5-1 in a battle of 1991, that with his correct answers of U2: The Fly, Blur: There’s No Other Way, Wonderstuff: Size Of A Cow, Extreme: More Than Words and Amy Grant: Baby Baby. Dom was shocked at Dave’s amount of knowledge and Carrie was disappointed he didn’t go easy on her, as Chris had promised her cheesecake if she’d beaten him.

DAVE’S CONJUNCTIVITIS:

As I mentioned yesterday, Dave arrived home from Portugal with an eye infection and a sore right ear. A visit to the doctors yesterday confirmed that Dave may have conjunctivitis, so he’s been told to keep his contacts out for a while and take some antibiotic eyedrops. Dave said that the doctor put some yellow stuff in his eyeball to look for any scratches or abrasions on the eyeball. Chris said he couldn’t have that done to him as he’s too girly. On the other hand, Dave said that he as a contact lense wearer doesn’t mind having his balls touched (so to speak). Dom fetched Dave some conjunctivitis facts as he said his son Finton has had it and it’s very contagious. Dave said he knew he had to be more careful with his hand cleanliness from now on. Chris played The Show by Girls Aloud, which he thinks is a good little pop tune. Dave agreed and said it was annoyingly infectious, although not like his eye..
Chris (over 9:30 news bed) - and of course they’re easy on the eye
Dave - Yeah, on the whole...(realises and laughs)...so to speak
(Dave and Chris both laugh)
Dave - On the eye
Carrie - But you’ve got conjunctivitis!!! They wouldn’t go anywhere near your eye
Dave then laughed so much that Chris had to send him out of the studio for the duration of the 9:30 news. When he returned Dom was mocking his affliction, and Dave told him that he’d better shut it or he’d knock him out (forgetting of course that Dom is about a foot taller than him). As if the conjunctivitis wasn’t bad enough, Dave’s sore ear has added insult to injury by blowing out into a full ear infection. He therefore has to make another doctors appointment for today, and said he said he was struggling to hear anything out of his right ear this morning. As soon as he revealed this news, Chris decided to do the whole show out of the right speaker only, so that Dave couldn’t hear what they were saying. Chris repeatedly called him stupid down the right channel and Dom did a knock knock gag with a mumbled punchline. Dave said that that wasn’t entertainment, just pure cruelty. A few texts came in regarding Chris turning off the left speaker..
Chris (reads texts) - “Chris, can you stop messing around with the speakers as my right ones don’t work. From Danny Owen in Leamington Spa”
Chris (in just the right channel) - Shut your face you pillock
Chris (back in both speakers) - Yeah no worries Danny

RAT IN ALED’S BEDROOM:

Forget the UB40 references, this was serious stuff. Aled announced the news to Chris and exec producer Ben in yesterday’s post show meeting, explaining that a rat was spotted in his bedroom last week and then came up his toilet last night. Aled said that his two flatmates had promised to get rid of the rat before he got home from Portugal...but erm, actually didn’t. Chris asked what had kept them so busy that they couldn’t have rung Ratakill (or whatever). Aled said nothing as both his flatmates are unemployed and currently out looking for work. Chris interpreted that as them being freeloading scum. He said Aled was such a sucker when he admitted that he pays more rent than his flatmates do. He said he was obviously living with a couple of dozy losers who were taking him for a ride, and yet he could not see it. Aled told him to take that back and said that granted, his two flatmates are fairly new, but they are not “dozy losers”..
Chris - Well if they’re that poor, at least they should have cooked it and ate it
(plays trail)
Rachel made Chris take that back immediately after the trail and Dave added “safety first” (as usual). I prefer the text from some bloke in London who suggested that a way to get rid of the rat might be to “draw a cat on your bum in felt tip so that if they come up the toilet they’ll be scared back down”...genius. Aled said that one of his housemates had wanted to get rid of it himself (although humanely). This guy was deliberating about whether it could survive in water though and wondered if it would be back...
Chris - I’m no rat expert but I imagine that if the rat is coming up and down your toilet then it can survive in water. It’s not some kind of super aqua rat, from a maximum security rat prison in America
(all laugh)
Something not mentioned on the show today was that Badly Drawn Boy’s new playlisted record is appropriately called “Year Of The Rat” (perhaps backing music if this is to become a regular discussion topic over the coming weeks). Aled had been sent one of those mystic talking 8 ball things, and Chris used it to pose questions about his sponging, wasting, lazy, vermin, yellow belly flat mates (they obviously get on well). The mystic 8 ball suggested that it would be fine for Chris to ring the two flatmates in question live on the air and interrogate them.
Aled - Oooh please don’t do that, it’s too confrontational for me
Chris didn’t call them, although he tried to ring Colin Murray at numerous points of the show. However, each time his phone went straight to voicemail. Chris said he had ordered something for Colin on the Internet and it had arrived today. Dave added that no it wasn’t a Russian bride called Olga. On a little side note, Chris said that he went to school with a fit girl called Olga (although she wasn’t Russian). He read out a few texts guessing what this mystery gift was, including a little jokey reference to a rampant rabbit. Rachel pretended not to know what he was on about, and Dave found it slightly worrying that he knew and she didn’t. She then explained that she did and was only joking. Chris said he now knew what to get her at Christmas this year - a battery recharger.

THE MOYLES MILE - CHRIS’S CELEBRITY MESSAGES OF SUPPORT:>>>>

The big day at Roundhay Park in Leeds is now just over a week and a half away, with Chris running his very own “Moyles Mile” for Sport Relief. It takes place at 1pm in the afternoon and to take part you need to register your details online at the Sport Relief website, to which a link is provided within this section. Not content with stealing Chris’s funny clips into phone call idea from last summer’s Big Brother, Scott Mills is now jumping on the Sport Relief bandwagon and doing his very own “Mills Mile” on the same day in Southampton, or as Will Kinder had typed: “in Southmapton”. The war is on. In terms of numbers running it’s a no contest though. Leeds is third on the list of registrations, behind London Village and the capital of England, Manchester. Chris had various numerical statistics about registrations that Dave tried to analyse, although Rachel told him not to bother as he’s rubbish at Maths (in her patronising teacher voice). She was right though - he ignored her and was...crap at Maths. Chris had some special Sport Relief good luck messages to play out on the air. He didn’t listen to them beforehand, despite Rachel’s insistence that he checked them. She thought he might have found them highly offensive y’see. He didn’t, well only the one. This was from Gary Lineker, who said that Chris wasn’t looking in the best of shape and advised him to take the mile slowly. Chris said he’d kick Gary’s arse and then shove a bag of Walkers down his throat when he’d finished. He then had a go at him for doing last week’s interview in Portugal over the phone, as he said Lineker couldn’t be arsed to walk the full 5 minutes down the road from his hotel to do it by ISDN.
Chris - Go on Lineker, get back to Leicester and munch on some Walkers you pillock
The other messages were from lovely Davina, and the very funny Paddy Kielty and Jo Brand. Paddy called Chris “slightly heavier than normal members of the public” and wished him good luck in a physical sense, while that world famous athlete Jo Brand called him unfit, blobby and heavily overweight (*sniffs* smell the irony *sniffs*), and then told him to “cut down on the chips mate”.
Chris (laughing) - There seems to be a pattern forming, which is “you’re fat and will come last”
(Dave laughs)

(http://www.sportrelief.com - Your chance to sponsor Chris is coming up from Monday too)

OTHER STUFF TODAY:>>>>
With her being at Glasto yesterday and him being in Portugal for the preceding two and a half weeks, Chris said that he couldn’t wait to see his part time lover Jo Whiley against this morning. Dave insisted that Chris’s idea of him and Jo together is some kind of fictional delusion, but Moyles claimed that he was a three woman man - Sophie, Jo and Carrie.
Dave - Well there’s enough of you to go round
Aled’s mystic 8 ball was back in the studio during half time, and Chris told Aled to ask it any question he wanted. Now bearing in mind the fact that Aled could choose from any question in the world, you would never have predicted that he’d ask this (or maybe you would)..
Aled - Will Jo Whiley be wearing pink today?
After berating Aled and him claiming that Chris was a fan of pink (aii), Moyles said that Jo Whiley in pink wasn’t his fantasy - it was her in a Leeds shirt. Dave told him to forget it and said it was never going to happen. Chris pointed out the fact that Scott Mills’ show on Friday was the only one on Radio One to come live from the studio, as Jo and Colin and Edith were at Glastonbury, he was in Portugal and Pete Tong was in Ibiza..
Dave - Crumbs
(pause) Chris - No, Mambo
(Dave’s pig squeal laugh)
Chris also interrupted Dominic’s news today (for a change), to complain about him running a dull story on the building of a 12 mile long bridge in Morecambe Bay. After a little exchange of opinions with Chris (not an argument as such), Dom decided to move on...
Dom - Other news now away from the bridge, and none of the megastars were out for the London premiere of Shrek 2 last night..
Chris (interrupting) - You know why don’t you? It’s cos they’re all standing there in Morecambe waiting for this bridge to be built

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
JOHN a photographer from Darlington 2
MARK an electrician from Skegness who sounded like he was on glue 0

Daves Tedious Link
The Cult She Sells Sanctuary - The Cult are led by frontman Ian Astbury - Ian Astbury shares the same christian name as Ian McCaskill the weatherman - The only song I can think of that features the word “weatherman” in the title is Blame It On The Weatherman by B*Witched - B*Witched are Irish, as are the Corrs - Corrs is also a type of beer - Beer is brewed from hops - Hops is a word also associated with rabbits and BMX bandits - If you add the words “one” and “arm” to the front of the word “bandits” you get “one arm bandits”, which is another word for fruit machines - Fruit machines are found in pubs, as are pool tables - Pool tables have pockets and in that respect share something in common with trousers - Trousers are one of the few things that can be worn by men, women and children - and children are more likely to get lost at airports and sporting events, and in these circumstances can normally be found at the meeting point - and meeting point when said in French is pronounced “Rendez-Vu” - Which links us predictably to Basement Jaxx and Rendez-Vu

JO WHILEY, THE LEEDS SHIRT AND THAT FART MACHINE AGAIN:>>>>

Chris had just started his final link when a very pleasant surprise walked in through the studio door. It was his favourite sandwich filling Jo Whiley, who was only bloody wearing a Leeds United shirt as requested earlier!! Chris said this was like one of his major fantasies, especially when Jo went round to his side of the desk and gave him a big *nice to see you* kiss on the mouth. Chris was checking out her black bra and boobs, this as Dave repeatedly asked Jo whether she’d spent her weekend on drugs at Glastonbury. She scurried back next door to hit her button for the 10 o’clock switchover. Before she did though, she asked Chris if he’d wear nothing but a Spurs shirt on her birthday next week. He agreed (amazingly)...
Chris (over Jo’s first song by U2) - It’s worth it if I get to sleep with her
Jo - I said nothing about sleeping
Chris - Wahey!!! My kind of girl!
Just as Jo was mid way through her first link, she was interrupted by the fart machine going off randomly from somewhere in her studio. She laughed her head off and screamed out at Chris, who was obviously controlling it from outside the studio window. He popped in after her next song for a chat, and said sorry for bringing such childishness to such a series music based show. She accepted the apology but still wouldn’t let Chris leave until he had told her where he had hid the fart machine. Eventually he did, and she found it under her desk (pretty much where Carrie had found it earlier - although obviously in a different studio).

> Tuesday June 29th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Monday 28th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Monday, June 28 2004 by MC_]

1. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 3. Pink feat William Orbit - Feel Good Time, 4. J Kwon - Tipsy, 5. BUZZ OFF - Vic Reeves & The Wonder Stuff - Dizzy, 6. The Strokes - 12:51 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Tomcraft - Loneliness, 8. Usher - Burn, 9. McFly - Obviously, 10. Eminem - Lose Yourself 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Fortune Faded, 12. Kelis - Trick Me, 13. Oasis - What's The Story Morning Glory (Live @ Glastonbury - 25/06/04), 14. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love, 15. Nelly Furtado - Forca 8:30 NEWSBEAT 16. D. Kay & Epsilon feat Stamina MC - Barcelona, 17. Jamelia - See It In A Boy's Eyes, 18. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 19. The Cult - She Sells Sanctuary (Tedious Link), 20. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 21. Estelle - 1980, 22. Keane - Somewhere Only We Know (Live @ Glastonbury - 26/06/04), 23. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix) 9:30 NEWSBEAT 24. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started, 25. Nickelback - How You Remind Me, 26. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk

They’re back then. Back in the UK, back in London and back on the air - all in the matter of six or seven hours. The big plane back from Portugal touched down home at roughly 11 o'clock last night, but a delay with the baggage meant that Chris, Dave and co didn’t leave Heathrow till around about half 12 this morning. Dave got to bed at 1:30 and was up again at half 4. Chris described his eyes as like soles in the snow this morning. Dave admitted that he was really knackered and couldn’t wait for the show to finish so that he could go back to bed - nice. Chris had a lie in till half 5 (rock a loo la) and before he went to bed at around quarter to two he watched a bit of the Glastonbury stuff he’d Sky Plussed over the weekend. This included sets from Muse, Basement Jaxx, Sir Macca and the mighty Oasis. Even me as the biggest Oasis fan you can imagine, will freely admit that they weren’t quite on top form on Friday night. Chris thought Liam was drunk as he didn’t think his voice was up to scratch on the live version of Morning Glory that he played. Chris said he was really impressed by Muse though, and he also thought Sir Paul played a blinder (Live and Let Die in particular). Quite a large proportion of the show was spent talking about Glastonbury actually. Chris seemed to say hello to people listening there every single link, which became very repetitive and dull. Dave thought it was a lot more likely that the people listening at Glasto would have been up all night, rather than having just got up. The texts coming in seemed to suggest otherwise though. All this Glasto chat got Rachel jealous. She’s a regular there and thinks it’s the best thing in the world. She said she couldn’t really complain as she was in a villa in Portugal with a private pool at the time, but she said she was still disappointed to have missed out on it. Chris confirmed that had the team not been in Portugal then they would have been at Glastonbury instead. As a Glastonbury virgin and someone who doesn’t have a burning desire to go, Chris wasn’t too fussed...especially as it was very muddy this year. His girlfriend Sophie was there working on Colin and Edith’s BBC3 show all week, and she told him that wellies were most definitely the footwear of choice. Chris said that that would be a problem for him as he’s not getting his Prada’s dirty for anyone. Another person yet to pop their Glastonbury cherry is Comedy Dave, who said he’d be interested in going if it wasn’t going to rain but wouldn’t be if it was. He thought the best thing to do would be to get a comprehensive weather forecast a couple of days beforehand and then decide whether to go or not. Chris kindly reminded Dave at this point that you do need to get your tickets a couple of months in advance.
Dave - Oh yeah. Good point..

(Vernon, Colin and Edith and Jo Whiley all at Glasto)
(For tons more pics and hundreds of great Glasto links click here)
(Or listen again to a wide range of Radio 1 shows from across the Glastonbury weekend here)
Chris said in some ways he’d missed being back in the studio at Radio 1 HQ. He said it was good to be butch on the mic again, and to have a bacon and sausage butty combo for Breakfast. It’s like torture listening to that when you’re in bed and all you’ve got is a box of cornflakes downstairs. *salivates* mmm bacon butties *salivates*. One thing that had changed when the team got back to Yalding House this morning was the fact that one of the doors into their office had completely vanished. The only way to get in now is by going through a door further along the corridor, next to which a new, modern Big Brother type room has been installed. Dave said it would confuse a sleepy person at ten past six in the morning. Chris played in clips from that legendary Fawlty Towers episode where Basil asks Manuel where his door has gone. The way Chris introduced them and played them in was brilliant, e.g by having Dave played by John Cleese. You really need to Listen Again to fully appreciate it. The listen again link is further down the review (it’s about an hour and 40 mins in).

CHART CHITTER CHAT WITH OLD WESLEY:>>>>

(Don’t forget you can listen again to this weeks Official Chart with Wes by clicking here)
The usually perky Wes was sounding unusually tired and flat for a second week running this morning. He had literally just propped his head up from lying in bed and was doing the chart recap from this position. Chris asked Wes to talk the listeners through his night wear, but to be honest there was nothing to talk through - he sleeps starkers. To prove this (although I'm not sure I want it proving), Chris asked Wes to slap part of his body. He slapped his knee..
Dave - It sounds too fleshy for a knee that Wes
Wes - What?
Chris - He’s got fat knees though has Wes
Dave - Has he?
Chris - He’s got excess flesh on the knee
Wes (to Dave) - Yeah, did you not know that?
Chris - That’s what we all call him at work, fat knee Wes
Wes thanked Chris for getting him into football. He said he watched the England game in the pub the other night and really enjoyed it, despite us losing. Chris told him it was now time to identify his team then, based on where he was born. Wes was born 20 minutes down the road from me in Salford, which is very much United land. I wouldn’t have expected Chris or Dave to know this, but having lived there for god knows how many years I thought at least Wes would have known that they were his local team. Yes Salford is a separate city to Manchester but United’s ground is on the Salford - Trafford border so is virtually in Salford. Chris was obviously not too keen on the idea of Wes becoming a red, so Wes said he’d set up his own football team in Salford instead. Hmm, I think he may have to learn the offside rule first. Butters said he was disappointed Come As You Are by Beverley Knight only charted at 9 yesterday, and he’s got reason to be disappointed as it’s a great record. The same sadly can’t be said about this weeks number 10, "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by The Girls Of FHM. Wes tried to explain who they were to Chris. I wouldn’t have bothered, all he needed to know was that the video is good. Number one this week is obviously Obviously by McFly (y’see what I did there...guh huh). Chris thinks it’s a great pop record and told Wes to introduce it. He crashed the vocals badly and proceeded to blame the bad phoneline. Chris told him to get his watch for the seven second intro. Wes said he would but it was across the room, he was naked and he’d forgot to close the curtains last night. Chris said he didn’t need to make excuses, he knew he was a perv. On next weeks chart show there is an Usher platinum disc up for grabs. It’s for his album Confessions and will have the name of whoever wins it engraved onto it. Chris said that the prize was a bit poor when compared to some of their recent ones, like giving away trips to see bands abroad...
Wes - Well you know Usher phoned me up and said...*puts on awful American accent*...hey Wes, I got my platinum disc, do you wanna give it away?”...*normal voice*...and I was like alright Usher, if you want me to..
Dave - Is he German?
(Dave laughs)


FLIRTING WITH CARRIE:
So this is week 2 of Carrie’s cover for Juliette, who’s still busy eating strawberries and cream underneath an umbrella at Wimbledon. It’s the first time Chris has seen Carrie in ages, as when she used to read sport on the odd afternoon show (and that’s going back a bit) she was always upstairs in Newsbeat with Georgina. Chris had forgotten what she looked like and was very impressed with what he saw this morning, face to face in Studio 3. He said that she was looking foxy, although not as in Doctor Foxy as that would be ridiculous (on a little side note Chris played that Johnny Vaughan jingle again today - the one that I love). He didn’t take long to check Carrie out, as he’d already noticed her white thong by the 7:00 bulletin. Unsurprisingly she sounded slightly embarrassed but Dom jumped in to say that he too was wearing a thong this morning. He hadn’t really thought it through properly though and said that he was wearing a brown one, an unfortunate choice of colour if ever there was one. Dom’s intervention didn’t put predator Moyles off his prey though. After every bulletin (or even during them) there was some sort of sexual innuendo or flirting going on, although it has to be said that it was entirely one way. The fact it takes up so much of this review is a clear indication of how much of the show it took up too. I just take it Moyles is yet to see Sophie since he got back. He seemed erm...frustrated. He said that Carrie looked more and more like a secretary from the Benny Hill show as the morning went on, in her sexy spectacles. There isn’t any Internet pics of her (oi not like that) so the best I’ve been able to get is her on the webcam today (that’s Carrie in the white)...


Just to take the topic of conversation away from her thong or cleavage for a moment, Chris asked Carrie what she thought of Wayne Rooney’s future at Everton. She said he’ll probably be gone within the fortnight, which outraged Dave. Vitty wouldn’t comment on what Carrie referred to as Everton’s “freak season” two years ago (when they finished 7th). He also refused to talk about the Wayne Rooney situation as he said he didn’t want to fuel the rumour mill. It didn’t take long for frisky Chris to get back to pestering an uncomfortable Carrie again. He said he couldn’t help it, he’d seen her white thong and her tight white top was showing off her breasts beautifully.
Rachel - Chris!!!
Chris - Listen, I’m sorry..
Dave - This is borderline harassment!!
Chris said it was a compliment and Carrie said it was ok, she wasn’t offended. Rachel told her she didn’t have to put up with this though and Chris then turned on Rach in a furious rage. He told her that she was looking like a hound this morning and said that at least Carrie had made an effort with her hair, rather than using chopsticks to straighten it. Rach said she’d only had three hours sleep but Chris wasn’t having that as an excuse. He said she looked like a bloke today. Dave said that Carrie was a serious sports news journo here to do a job of work, and not be made uncomfortable by an overweight man commenting on her chest. Carrie is single and Chris went in for the kill. Dave said that he felt sick, although that might have been due to something else (more on that later)...
Chris (to Carrie) - What sort of men do you go for?
Dave (interrupting) - Fat ones?!!
Chris - Shut up
(all laugh)

***Out of nothing...***
Dom (to Chris) - Would you like to mouth kiss Carrie?
Chris - Pardon?
(all laugh)
Dom - Is that what you’re leading up to here?
Chris - What are you trying to say?
Dom - I’m saying that perhaps you should. It’d be good for the ratings and good for the trail
(Dave laughs)
Thereafter followed a hilarious and completely bizarre link featuring chat about Russian Internet brides (Saskia), Dominic’s marriage, BBC1, legal Lithuanians, passports as birthday presents, Jules sleeping with Chris (not really) and Chris trying to get Carrie to sleep with him (really). You need to Listen Again to fully appreciate it for yourself (around 2 hours 40 in - available till Monday July 5th).

MORE TALES FROM LAST NIGHT:>>>>
As you will know if you listened to the show or read my reviews last week, Dominic and his wife went over to Portugal at the weekend for a little break with the Chris and the team. Slaphead Byrne managed to burn (guh huh) his head out there and was peeling like a potato on the flight back. He said the air conditioning on the plane was just very dry. Dave said he was shocked and appalled to wake up on the plane last night and find Aled applying dove body silk to Chappers’ arm. Chappers was lapping it up too, he wasn’t even objecting. Aled said that he got a real dirty look from Dave when he then offered some of the body silk to him. Chris nipped in and said that that was because cleanliness is next to laziness when it comes to Dave. Dave said that that was untrue and said he’d actually had a shower today, contrary to popular belief...
Dave - and I just don’t believe in needing Body Silk for men
Carrie - You stick to your vaseline eh Dave?
(all laugh)
Dave - I don’t use vaseline either Carrie, now that you ask. I’m more of an au naturale type of person
Dom (who is another one scared of flying) was getting worried during the flight when the pilot came over the speakers and started off by saying “It’s not the best news in the world folks...”. He almost had a heart attack. Dave was also left less than confident when the pilot misdirected the passengers to their headphone jacks. Dave said he was just hopeful that the pilot didn’t muck up any of his buttons up the front...and thankfully for us all he didn’t. Otherwise it would have been Scott Mills for Breakfast this morning. As well as Mr Mark *zero tolerance level* Chapman going into a sulk about the 90 minute wait for baggage reclaimer, Dave was also left a little unhappy.
Dave - BA last night in the world of baggage reclaim stood for bugger all
(all laugh)
Rachel - Dave!!
Chris and Dave had a Guess Who from the airport last night. Dom and Carrie played, Dom didn’t see this mystery celebrity cos him and his wife took all their bags as hand luggage and didn’t have to wait for baggage reclaimer. It was Howard Donald from Take That, who had just come back from doing a bit of DJ’ing in Germany. Chris and Dave said hello and chatted to him for a bit..
Chris - and he said that he loves the show and especially likes One Road Travel
Dom - Does he? Thanks very much
Chris - No, he’s never heard the show in his life
(hits D. Kay & Epsilon track)

Buzz Off this morning was another corker - Dizzy by Vic Reeves and The Wonderstuff (number one in October 1991). No votes came in at all from the team (not even Aled) and the text vote was 76.65% Buzz On. Chris said pardon his language but he bloody loves The Wonderstuff. Dave agreed that they were a fantastic band. Other stuff today included the introduction of a new show bed that I’ve heard quite a bit on a few of my local commercial stations. It would be better as an instrumental and needs looping, but it was sounding good nonetheless. Chris also slagged off Radio One this morning for the pointless trails that he has to play about his show and the general daytime line up. He thinks they’re stupid and doesn’t see the point in them, especially as they end the trail with the show order all jumbled up again. Chris said stuff that, all the audience need to know is that if they have a rajar diary, tick Chris Moyles. Please, go on you know you want to. Other complaints today included one with online and two with the fact that some pillock had deleted both the Tedious Link theme and the London Marathon theme from the show’s jingle pages. Chris said heads are gonna roll when he runs round the building screaming and shouting at ten. Especially about the Tedious theme (even though Rach found it with about 30 seconds to spare), as that is an integral part of the show that station controller Andy Parfitt describes as “an appointment to listen". Chris also plugged Sport Relief and The Moyles Mile yet again, the website is here and the Moyles Mile is on Saturday July 10th at Roundhay Park in Leeds. You know all there is to know about that item by now, and if not then check back in the archives by clicking the link at the top of the page.


DAVE MEDICAL UPDATE
He has a sore ear and he thinks he has picked up an eye infection from the swimming pool in Portugal, which he plans to sort out at the doctors today.
Chris - erm, I have an “i”Pod
Dave - That’s not gonna help me
Chris - Right OK

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
TOM a chrismoyles.net messageboard member who works for a travel company in Weymouth 2
DAVID training to be a corgi engineer in Broadstairs 0

Daves Tedious Link
James Come Home - Come home is what we’ve done after our two and a half week exile in a Portuguese villa - Villa in the world of football are managed by David O’Leary - David O’Leary shares the same surname as Dermot O’Leary - Dermot O’Leary shaves his head - Head & Shoulders is a famous brand of shampoo - Shampoo had a 1994 hit with Trouble - Trouble rhymes with rubble, which is the surname of Flintstones characters Barney and Betty - If you swap the E in Betty for a U you get butty, as in bacon butty which was a breakfast treat for us this morning and something that we’ve been missing - Missing You was a 1984 hit for John Waite - John Waite shares the same surname as Terry Waite the former hostage - The word “hostage” nearly rhymes with ostrich, which is the fastest of all running birds - Birds that are in danger might be kept in a sanctuary - and if the sanctuary was run by a woman on a commercial basis, I suppose you could say that she would be selling sanctuary - Which links us to The Cult and She Sells Sanctuary

JO WHILEY KNICKER FLASH:>>>>

If you’re like me and have watched a lot of the weekend’s Glastonbury coverage on TV, you’ll know that Jo Whiley was looking very much the piece of vintage bintage that she is on BBC2. I’ve got to say Lauren Laverne was looking nice too, and Mark Radcliffe was just a comedy genius. Back to Jo though, and there were rumours circulating on text today that Jo did a Basic Instinct style leg crossover at one point of the weekend...resulting in a knicker flash. With the team out in Portugal, no one saw it unfortunately...
Chris - She never flashes her knickers to us
Dave - No, no matter how many times you ask
Chris - The only way I get to see those knickers is by climbing that massive tree outside her house and holding them binoculars when she’s getting into the shower
(Dom and Dave laugh)
Dave (still laughing) - Why would she get in the shower with knickers on? That’d be ridiculous!!!
Chris - Because she knows I’m watching. You know she compromises, she leaves something on...you know what I mean?
Dave - mmm, just to tease you
Jo (laughing & interrupting) - Will you stop it now!!
Chris (sounding shocked) - Oh Hi Jo
Dave - *cough*
Jo was still on site at Glastonbury and interrupted as Chris headed for the pips, saying that she couldn’t think of any more embarrassing than doing that live on national telly and then hearing about it for the first time live on national radio...
Jo - What colour knickers was I wearing?
Chris - Apparently black ones
(all laugh - including Jo)
Jo - Well at least I was wearing some!!!
Chris - Oh! What a thought! (pips play)

> Monday June 28th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Chappers & Dave Show #7 - Sat 26th June 04 (MC) [Posted Saturday, June 26 2004 by MC_]

LIVE FROM PORTUGAL



1. Robbie Williams - Rock DJ, 2. Kelis - Trick Me, 3. J Kwon - Tipsy, 4. McFly - Obviously, 5. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 6. Sugababes - Round Round, 7. N*E*R*D - Maybe 1:30 NEWSBEAT 8. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 9. Daniel Bedingfield - Gotta Get Thru This, 10. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 11. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 12. Shaznay Lewis - Never Felt Like This Before, 13. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 14. The Strokes - Last Nite, 15. Kylie Minogue - Chocolate, 16. Blur - Country House (Sporting Number One), 17. No Doubt - It’s My Life, 18. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme 2:30 NEWSBEAT 19. Eminem - The Real Slim Shady, 20. Blink 182 - Down, 21. Girls Aloud - The Show, 22. Keane - Everybody's Changing, 23. 50 Cent - In Da Club, 24. Nelly Furtado - Forca

So this was it then. The final two hours of Radio One’s 51 live from Portugal, hosted in the villa by messieurs Chapman and Vitty. There was no pre-show link up with Vernon, as he was knee deep in mud at Glastonbury doing festival stuff. With it being the final show from the villa, it was “everything must go” clearance time - with lilos, a football and the villa’s huge 8ft tall Euro 2004 posters up for grabs to the best texters. Some idiots on the text actually thought Chappers was being serious when he said Rachel was being given away too. The eventual winner of the muddy (and chlorine smelling) football was some bloke who said he’d give it to his cousin as a wedding present...classy. The posters were won by Tim in Bristol, simply because he had a van and could collect them (they wouldn’t fit in the post y’see). The lilos were won by Neil in Ellesmere Port thanks to his rhyme about Urs Meier, sinners and winners, although Dave said Neil might have been put off it by the fact that Moyles and Rhys “chunky Gutzilla” Hughes were floating around on them like hippos for pretty much the duration of the show. Most of the team were a little hungover today. Dave said he was still partly hungover from Thursday in a football sense, and partly hungover from last night in a beer sense. Chappers said him and Rachel consumed seven half bottles of white wine at the restaurant last night, which they enjoyed while settling down to see Greece beat France 1-0 on the telly. Rhys was doing his bit for European relations by singing “au revoir, au revoir, au revoir” throughout the second half, and even Dave admitted that seeing the French go out takes away a tiny bit of pain from Thursday’s defeat. The Portuguese weren’t going to let them forget about it though, as they tried to repeatedly replay the penalty shoot out after full time in the France game. Chappers had nabbed the remote though and kept trying to flick to fishing or what looked like the Portuguese version of Last Of The Summer Wine on other channels. This (as you can imagine) didn’t make him the most popular person in the restaurant. Eventually the Portuguese got their way (well it was their restaurant) and the Radio One team had to re live England’s defeat about a further 17 times.
Chappers - It was a shame cos the Portuguese Last Of The Summer Wine was a lot funnier than the English version
Dave - It was, their Compo looked great didn’t he...
(hits vocal on The Farm, which why Radio One are still playing I do not know)
As if it hadn’t been rubbed in enough, Jocelyn (who I think is Irish) brought Chappers a glass of water in a cup with Helder Postiga on the side. He is that sh*te Spurs striker who somehow scored Portugal’s equaliser on Thursday, and then compounded our misery by dinking in that horrible little shot in the penalty shoot out. The cup obviously came from McDonalds, as Mark said that one fast food chain are giving out cups with Portugal players on in their happy meals (therefore giving away the chain in question). Chris told Joss that he’d prefer it in a mug next time, as he doesn’t want to be drinking water out of Helder Postiga (so to speak).


ALAN HANSEN INTERVIEW:

Just a few hours after the show finished on Friday morning, Dave and Chappers got in the car and drove down to Lisbon to interview Mr Alan Hansen in the same swanky hotel that they met Peter Reid in last week. It was very much the morning after the night before, and Alan said that he was still a bit fragile after staying up to the early hours with his English wife and children, who were unsurprisingly drowning their sorrows. Dave asked Alan for his assessment of England’s performance against Portugal. It’s hard to disagree with anything he said, and that’s why (Andy Gray aside) he’s the best pundit on TV. Alan thought England were really poor, the worst they’ve played in any of their four matches in Portugal. He pointed the finger at the midfield in particular, as well as the referee. He said that as much as they played poorly, they did show tremendous spirit to get back in the game and the referee bottled a major, major decision. Alan was pretty cutting in his verdict on the standard of refereeing so far in Euro 2004...he said it had been abysmal. Nevertheless though, he thought the England players would feel worse waking up than they would have done had they been beaten in the final. He said that that was because for the first time since 1990, they genuinely knew and believed in the dressing room that they had a great chance of winning the tournament. Alan didn’t assign any blame for the defeat to Beckham, and said that taking a penalty on that spot was like playing a bunker shot in golf...as Beckham’s standing foot sunk in the sand as he went to hit it. Next up was Chappers’ favourite part of the whole interview. It was when Dave asked Alan if he shared the view that Portugal could win the tournament if they got their act together up front...
Alan - Well Dave, I can’t agree with you there in the slightest
He said he wasn’t surprised Dave was an Evertonian. Alan said that he doesn’t think Portugal are good enough to win it, and added that he’d go for France or the Czech Republic. Given the fact that the Greeks beat France last night and Alan took the mick out of his prediction of Portugal, Dave said he was feeling slightly superior this morning. If Portugal go on to win Euro 2004, Dave wants Alan back on the show via phone to admit that he was wrong. From their position at England’s past two games at the Stadium Of Light, Chappers and Dave have been able to see the BBC box and what goes on in and around it. While Reidy and Wrighty pace around aside, Alan has to stay in the studio and watch the monitors with Gary. This is because he picks the half time analysis that is shown. Alan said that as soon as there’s a contentious issue or goal though, both Ian and Peter are back inside for a second look on TV. Alan said Wrighty was virtually battering down the studio wall when Owen scored (as he’d predicted) against Portugal on Thursday.




JULES LIVE AT WIMBLEDON AND THE REGULAR FEATURES:>>>>
It was good to here Juliette back on the show this afternoon. She joined Chappers and Dave live from Wimbledon, which is where she is this fortnight (reporting for Radio Five Live). Dave and Mark made a point of continually mentioning how there wasn’t a cloud in the sky by the villa, this as Chris and Rhys kept on splashing the pool. Jules said she had lots of splashing where she was too, but only because it was bucketing it down with rain (like it was where I was). To be fair to Jules she didn’t bite and kept fairly refrained amongst all the boasting and splashing coming from Portugal. At one point the atmos mics even picked up Rhys shouting out “Will someone get me another beer!”. Jules said with the lack of tennis she’s been keeping herself busy with a microphone, sandwiches, beer and some sausage rolls. She said pims are a fiver at Wimbledon and even a yoghurt and a slice of cake cost her £4.70 yesterday...what a bargain eh. She did a quick tennis round up too, saying that Tim is due on court later today but will almost certainly now be on tomorrow, as Wimbledon play on middle Sunday for the only the third time ever, essentially meaning that real tennis fans get the tickets on a first come first served basis, and not any suit wearing corporate types. Gotta be a good thing in my book...

(Jules - live at Wimbledon after 2:30)
This week was week 2 of Portugoal Of The Month. Remember the 3 best goals of the week are played out and in a couple of weeks time there will be 11 or 12 of them, from which the Radio One audience have to pick the top 3 goals of Euro 2004. If their opinion matches that of the special celebrity panel, then they win access to all of Radio 1’s Summer Events in the UK (basically everything excluding Ibiza). This weeks best three goals were Wayne Rooney’s first for England against Croatia (Goal D), John Dahl Tomasson’s long range dipping volley for Denmark against Sweden (Goal E) and Michael Ballack’s left foot cracker for Germany against the Czechs (Goal F). I cannot believe Milan Baros’s goal from the Czech Republic - Holland match isn’t there. Goals G, H and I will be on the show next week nonetheless. This weeks 3 And In was contested (although that’s probably the wrong word) by Lucy in Wiltshire and Paul in Basingstoke. Up for grabs were tickets to quarter final day on Wimbledon Centre Court this Wednesday (rain permitting obviously). Both were huge tennis fans and Lucy said she even has a pot of strawberries growing in her garden. That’s a pot of strawberries she’s growing in her garden, not pot she’s growing in her garden (as mistakenly heard by Chappers). Her competitor Paul was down at the local driving range, trying (in vain) to teach his son how to play golf.
Dave - Are you stood there club in hand as we speak?
(Paul laughs)
Paul - Er yeah kind of. I’ve actually got my wood in my hand as we speak
Dave - Have you? and a bag of balls in the other hand?
Paul - Oh yes
(Chappers laughs)
Lucy was selected to go first in the customary off air toss (unfortunate terminology bearing in mind the above discussion) so she answered the first question. In fact she got the first three right and won without Paul having a chance to play at all. He wasn’t best pleased and sounded awfully bitter as he accused Dave of making the questions too easy. Country House by Blur (September 95) was this weeks Sporting Number One, s chosen by Everton fan Joe to coincide with Frank Bruno defeating Oliver McCall at Wembley and winning the WBO Heavyweight Championship in boxing. Joe said he was there too, although he was just 13. Chappers also played this weeks number one contender Obviously by McFly, who’ll be guests with both him and Dave in Norwich on July 17th for Radio One On The Road. They’ll be live from the Sports Park on Earlham Road, with essentially the whole idea of the day being to get people fit. Dave said it was therefore obvious that Radio One would opt for the two best physical specimens at the station to host the day - him and Mark. After the show there’s also going to be a big 5 a side tournament, with Emma B captaining the Radio One girls team and Chappers’ the mens team. Also in the squad are Dave, Dr Mark and Colin Murray (so bring your shin pads if you’re playing). Full details on how to take part can be found here via Radio One ONLINE.


NEWS TEASERS:>>>>
1. Which Radio One DJ spent the week having in depth conversations with a Shrek cuddly toy?
A. Wes
2. Which Radio One DJ went to the ladies by mistake at the Stadium Of Light the other evening?
A. Chris Moyles

- Chappers and Dave ended their final show from Portugal as Chris did on Friday, with a big list of thank you’s. They also jumped into the pool simultaneously just before their last record, to a big round of applause and cheer from the villa crew (I think more for the show than their jumps)...


> Live From Portugal - Chappers and Dave Show 26th June - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday 25th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Friday, June 25 2004 by MC_]



1. Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 3. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 4. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix), 5. BUZZ OFF - Motorhead - Ace Of Spades, 6. Avril Lavigne - Don't Tell Me 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. The Verve - Bitter Sweet Symphony, 8. Usher - Burn, 9. Jay Sean feat Rishi Rich Project - Eyes On You, 10. Razorlight - Golden Touch 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River, 12. The Hives - Walk Idiot Walk, 13. Will Young - Friday's Child, 14. Sugababes - Stronger 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love, 16. The 411 feat Ghostface Killah - On My Knees, 17. Blink 182 - Down, 18. James - Come Home (Tedious Link), 19. Outkast - Roses, 20. Shaznay Lewis - Never Felt Like This Before, 21. Maroon 5 - This Love 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 23. The Strokes - Last Nite, 24. Beverley Knight - Come As You Are, 25. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

Chris and Dave had a tough, tough job trying to lift the nation’s spirits this morning, but they tried as best they could and in the end it turned out to be a pretty good show. It began as you may have expected, with Chris opting for a downbeat classical piece to open proceedings. He interrupted it to announce that he would not be put off by last night’s events, although he did say that three words filled the mouths of all England fans this morning...we wuz robbed.

JINGLE (OVER CHURCH TYPE MUSIC):>>>>
“We were robbed last night, we were robbed last night,
We were robbed last night, we were robbed last night,
We were robbed last night, we were robbed last night,
We would have won the game but the referee was...very poor,
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, but we go home today, National Radio One”


Predictably but suitably the first record was Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis, just as it was 2 years ago when Brazil beat us in the World Cup. After the news Chris went straight into a special package that condensed last night’s game into three minutes, over the bed of Dry Your Eyes by The Streets. It then went straight into the actual record itself, and was repeated up to the pips just before the end of the show. It featured commentary from the key incidents of last night's game, courtesy of the Five Live team. It was quite moving and even the Streets tune (which I think is average) seemed quite poignant when played. Chris rued the fact the team will be back in London on Monday with cloudy weather, rude people and expensive cigarettes. He said he was genuinely crying coming out of that stadium last night...and it wasn’t because he dropped his hotdog or owt. The whole team (like the whole of England) were feeling completely deflated this morning, and were all sounding croaky and hoarse from the shouting that they’d been doing last night. Chris said his emotions had been up and down like a nun’s knickers. Penalties really is a horrible way to go out of a tournament, and that’s already four major tournaments in my brief lifetime that we’ve gone out of on them. Dave admitted that he never fancied us if it got to pens, and I’d be lying if I said I did. Best not to focus on that though - instead best to focus on Mr Arse Meier and that disallowed goal. Chris said legally he couldn’t say it was a fix, but you knew what he was inferring. People may say Chris and I am bitter cos we will go on about this, but the simple fact is that it was a key decision and he got it wrong. Yes Portugal were the better team, yes we defended too deep and yes we missed Wayne Rooney...but we were level on the key statistic that counted - goals scored. So when we have a perfectly good goal disallowed, all you Scots and Welsh erm...people can surely understand that we are entitled to feel a little peeved. Chappers (who was up before the show started for only the second time in 2 weeks), had found out some very interesting information about our new friend Urs. He said that not only does he have highlights in his hair, but he also has a very big ego. This is because he has his own official website, including an interview, information on his fitness regime, his own fan club...and a feedback section. That’s right, Urs wants to hear from you.
Dave - So we could critically evaluate his performance last night then
Chris said absolutely. He was sure Urs would be delighted to wake up to lots of happy, friendly e-mails this morning, congratulating him on his superb performance last night (cue Chris brilliantly impersonating Urs in his generic foreign, Avid Merrion type accent). Later in the day there were stories about this website crashing etc, and people criticising TV stations for giving the address out. In a way Chris started all of this, although at no point did he ever give the actual address out. There’s nowt stopping me though - click here (a good understanding of German is required though). Rachel was submitting her details and trying to join his fan club, but her computer kept crashing. She said that on the list of required details it asks for you to state favourite football team. Chappers said he was pretty sure in that case that Rachel was the only Kidderminster Harriers supporter in Urs Meier’s fan club.
Rhys - and we must always remember that feedback...is a gift
(Dave laughs)
Chris (laughing) - I’m telling ya
At 7:55 Chris also started a mass “we wuz robbed” textathon, which had brought in total of 93 000 texts by the end of the show. That’s roughly one and a half times as many people were in the stadium last night.


MORE NEW JINGLES:>>>>
“Owen started well but then we lost Wayne Rooney,
We would have won the game but the referee went loony,
Our hearts were in our mouths, we should have won with ease,
We thought the ref was Swiss but he must be Portuguese,
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, but we go home today, National Radio One”

(and my favourite...)
“England beat Portugal but the ref dismissed our goal,
It was clearly in the net and our hearts went out to Sol,
Our team is coming home and their pilots name is Dennis,
Now it's down to Tim and Greg to win the bloody tennis,
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, but we go home today, National Radio One”

STUBBSY, JACK BAINE AND MORE MATCH CHAT:

Ray Stubbs was back on the phone at 8:45, although he said it was a pity he wasn’t chatting to Chris in better circumstances. Ray said that he just felt flat and empty this morning, and added that everything just seemed to conspire against us last night. Just like the World Cup two years ago, all the pundits around him were saying that it’s another missed opportunity for England. Ray said aside from the mechanics of football, it just shows how life can play such tricks on you. David Beckham being the prime example, as everything that can go wrong, will go wrong for him at the minute. I don’t hold Beckham to blame personally but there’s no doubt his form has been average at best in this tournament. Ray thinks going on about the goal is clutching at straws a bit, but like I said before it is what it all comes down to. Dave added his two pennies worth - saying that we were on the back foot all of the second half due to our insistence to lob the ball up to two tiny strikers and not get it on the floor and keep possession. Ray said it’s gonna be quite painful staying to the end of the tournament now that England have been knocked out. My arse - it’s still sun and booze aplenty. Chris invited Stubbsy to the team’s big night out tonight, but he is presenting a highlights show on the France - Greece game and can’t make it.

(Jack Baine)
Jack linked up live with Chris after half seven for their final little chat from Portugal. He watched the game in a bar down by the docks in Lisbon last night and said it was just horrible to witness the England fans trudging off quietly into the distance, as the Portuguese partied on into the night. Jack said driving back to his hotel in the centre of Lisbon was like a nightmare, stuck in a 4/5 mile traffic jam that was more like a Portuguese carnival parade, with people beeping their car horns and getting out onto their bonnets. Aled recorded some audio of what it was like by the villa, as he watched the game in a local bar. Chris played it out and then told them to shove their horns up their arse. Jack said at one point last night he saw an older lady dancing in just a red thong, with a whistle in her mouth. Everyone in the villa turned their faces up at this, expect for engineer Steve who was showing his age. Chris said England may have lost the match (although technically we drew), but without a doubt we won the flag war inside the stadium. Dave’s favourite was a Hull City one that had “on the dole, we don’t care” written on it. Chappers said his favourite was a Libya flag that he spotted in the stadium for some reason. God bless the Libyans eh.
Dave - Which was weird because the fella in the restaurant before the game looked like Colonel Gaddafi didn’t he, with the long wig on...
(all laugh)

Chris said that as Leeds United fans, it hasn’t been a massively successful football year for him and Rhys. Rhys was saying on the tube yesterday that all he has to look forward to now is Gillingham away in August - joy. Chris said he was so excited when the fixture lists came out yesterday. Dave’s Everton have Arsenal...and Leeds have Derby County. Rock on. Mind you it could be worse, we’ve got Yeovil at home first game. 65 000 people watched the England - Portugal match on the big screens at Glastonbury last night, that’s the same amount of people who were in the actual stadium itself. Amongst those were Rachel’s mate, Carrie’s cousin and Chris’s girlfriend Sophie, who was too nervous to watch at one point so went off for a walk. Chris said his mouth was dry and shaking when it came to penalties, and he actually wondered if he could watch them without collapsing. He spoke to Soph afterwards but wouldn’t pick up her call during the match himself. He asked what the point of that was and said that everyone who rang him during the game should bugger off. He also complained about the people who texted him afterwards saying “Are you upset?” or something along those lines - I mean, no sh*t sherlock. These people included Sophie, Emma B, Sandy, Rob DJ, his mum, Ginner and the prince of Stoke himself, Mr Mark Bright. Chris used the old “my phone ran out of battery” excuse for not replying.

DOM IN PORTUGAL AND COMEDY DAVE’S LAST EVER EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>
In the worst piece of timing since Emile Heskey tackled Claude Makelele last week, Dominic is flying out to spend the weekend with the team in Portugal (cos unlike the jingles say, they actually fly home on Sunday). Carrie revealed that Dom was going to go out and buy some new gear yesterday, for his two days in Portugal. Byrne protested that he needed some new sandals, although nothing quite as expensive as Chris’s £135 flip flops...
Chris - They’re Prada!!!
(Carrie laughs)
Dave - Man of the people
(all laugh)
Dave said Chris’s prada sandals looked a bit like special shoes. Dom butted in to say that he did actually have to wear built up special shoes when he was younger, as he has fallen arches. He said he was given 9 and a half out of 10 when he was born, docked half a point just cos of his feet. Dave asked what the hell he was on about, as he never knew there was a baby grading system...
Dave - Do they not dock points off you for being a slaphead as well?
(all laugh)
Dom - Dave!! I was a new born baby!!!
Rhys (in background) - That’s rich from hobbit foot!
Dom - Oh yes! Frodo Vitty!
(Chris and Rach laugh)
Dave (to Rhys) - Eh Gutzilla!!
Rachel - Now now boys come on
Chris - Oooh. Stop it now, we’re all friends. You know the rules, we’re one big happy family and if you’re gonna pick on anybody, pick on Aled!!
(Dom laughs as Chris plays jingle)

Yep Dave was back after 9:15 for the final ever instalment of Easy Portuguesey. Unsurprisingly his phrases today didn’t include the translations for “we wuz robbed” or “the referee’s a w*nker”, as he went for three more complicated ones instead. Rhys’s half cousin Ben (who speaks fluent Portuguese) was on hand to point out any inaccuracies...and there were a couple. Dave thought he started off by saying “they think it’s all over, it is now”, although he actually said “they think it’s all left, it is now”. He said it was a strong start. Next up was “we don’t mean to sound bitter but Campbell’s goal should never have been disallowed”. However, Ben said that Vitty actually read out “we don’t signify that the aims of Campbell shouldn’t have been disallowed”...nice. Dave did get his last phrase spot on though - “Thank you to the Portuguese for their hospitality and we’ll see you in Germany for the World Cup”. Chris wasn’t going to do Buzz Off this morning as he wasn’t in the mood, but he had a change of heart and blasted out a stomping record that had nothing to do with football, and consequently it cheered everybody right up. It was of course the awesome Ace Of Spades by Motorhead, a number 15 hit back in November 1980. It received an 83% Buzz On response on the text, no votes from Dave, Rachel or Aled, and even got executive trip producer Rhys passionately air drumming and air guitaring around the villa - class.

Chris ended his last show from Portugal by thanking a whole long list of people that I can’t be arsed writing down, and by (as I mentioned earlier) repeating that Streets montage up to the pips and Jo Whiley at Glastonbury at 10 o’clock. Chappers and Dave will still be live from the villa tomorrow at one o’clock. Chris reminded Chappers that it’s not all bad going home, as he gets to see his lovely wife and child again. Mark said him and Sarah had a blazing row on the phone last night, one reason Dave said he didn’t risk phoning Emma. Chris said unlike many of the OB’s they’ve done this year, this one ran perfectly. He said they should just stay out there to do the show, and just barricade themselves in the villa. Rhys was up for it but Rachel said no. Chris said she was just towing the management line cos she has a contract renewal and appraisal coming up next week.

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
BRYCE a sales rep originally from Virginia, but now living in Milton Keynes 2
JOHN a warehouse manager from Aylesbury 0

Daves Tedious Link
LL Cool J Phenomenon - The word “phenomenon” is an F sounding word that begins with the letters PH, like the name Philip - Prince Philip is the husband of the Queen - Queen Elizabeth II is the name of a famous ship - Ship Of Fools was a hit for Erasure - Erasure keyboardist Vince Clark was also in Yazoo, along with Alison Moyet - If you swap the last letter of “Moyet” for an S you get Moyes, who is the manager of Everton - Everton entertain title holders Arsenal on the opening day of the new season, while Leeds United play host to the mighty Derby County - Derby County are nicknamed the rams, which are the male equivalent of sheep - Sheep are the primary source of wool - Wool is sold in balls, unlike hay which is sold in bails - If you remove the S from bails you get bail, which is often paired with the word “out” - and out is sadly what England are this morning after losing their Euro 2004 quarter final match on penalties last night to the host nation Portugal, which means that for England another tournament is over and for us, it’s time to come home - Which links us to James and Come Home

WEEK HIGHLIGHTS:
SHOWS OF THE WEEK: Tuesday/Thursday
MOMENTS OF THE WEEK: Pandemonium with Jack Baine, hello to Carrie, the Chart Chinwag with Wes, Dave’s Tedious Link cock up and Dominic in general (Monday), the new jingles, Aled’s match and Holiday reports, plus Rhys goes in the pool (Tuesday). Also, site mention, half time, Big Villa and Dom meets Jackie Chan (Wednesday), when Aled met Mafalda, Peter Reid on the phone and Aled gets pushed in the pool by Chappers (Thursday), as well as the montages and jingles, Arse Meier chat and last ever Easy Portuguesey (all Friday). Don’t forget you can Listen Again to all the weeks shows by following the links to Listen Again on Chris’s mini-site @ Radio One Online.

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Friday Jun 25th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Thurs 24th June 2004 (MC) [Posted Thursday, June 24 2004 by MC_]

1. Beyonce Knowles feat Jay-Z - Crazy In Love 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Blur - Song 2, 3. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 4. Fat Les - Vindaloo, 5. BUZZ OFF - Yello - The Race, 6. D12 - My Band 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Dario G - Sunchyme, 8. Kelis - Trick Me, 9. Nelly Furtado - Forca, 10. The Wiseguys - Ooh La La 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 12. Justin Timberlake - Like I Love You, 13. The Farm - Altogether Now (Euro 2004 Mix), 14. Lou Reed - Satellite Of Love (Dab Hands Remix) 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Pink - God Is A DJ, 16. Usher - Burn, 17. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme, 18. LL Cool J - Phenomenon (Tedious Link), 19. Faithless - Mass Destruction, 20. Kylie Minogue - Chocolate, 21. The Black Eyed Peas - Let's Get It Started 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Nelly - Hot In Herre, 23. Blink 182 - Down, 24. Christina Milian - Dip It Low, 25. The 5678's - Woo Hoo

We’ll start today by wishing a very happy 28th birthday to stand in sport girl Carrie Davies. She said she was in a rush this morning but has lots of presents waiting for her when she gets home, although ideally she would like a bike (as hers was nicked the other day). Chris said people who want bikes for their birthday are usually 12, and he asked Carrie if she was hoping for a dolls house, Polly Pocket and My Little Pony with that too. Carrie is of course filling in for Juliette while she covers Wimbledon on Five Live. However Jules met up with Dom last night as the two of them travelled down to deepest darkest Dorset together to go and see Oasis (who were fantastic as usual). Dom said Jules drove. Chris asked how long it took to get to the gig...
Dom - It took nearly three and a half hours to get there and about an hour and a half to get back
Chris (laughs) - Really?
Dom - Good morning to the Dorset Constabulary
(Dave and Carrie laugh)
Dom and Jules filled the journey time by listening to local radio (as you do)...and trying to get on their stupid phone ins. Dom said unfortunately he couldn’t get through to BBC Radio Berkshire, who’s hot topic of the night was “have you ever been attacked by a massive animal?”. Dom would have said bull elephant had he got through (cue much hilarity in the villa). Dom also said there was a bloke on BBC Southern Counties Radio called Dom Busby, who Juliette nearly veered off the road at when he kept repeating his name. Both in London and in Portugal, the whole team were feeling quite tired this morning, especially Chris who kept falling back to sleep after Aled continually tried to wake him up. Chris kept on apologising and then drifting off again, apologising and drifting off again etc...
Chris - and then I suddenly thought “what am I apologising for?”...I’m 30 years old
(hits intro to Beyonce and Jay-Z)
In the next link Chris blamed his tiredness for this and said that he was obviously being ironic, as remember he’s actually 24 and not 30. Of course *cough*. Tonight is yet another huge night for England then. It’s their quarter final with Portugal in Lisbon, and even Aled said that he was feeling excited today. Granted, only because he knows an England win means at least another six days in the sun for him. He like Chris is around about completing his base tan, whereas Dave (aka David Dickinson) is a lot further on in the tanning process. Chris played Fat Les and The Farm as his customary England songs, although he is feeling a lot more confident about tonight’s game than he has done about any of the three previous games. He said he is even thinking about putting 10 euros on Owen to score the first goal. Wouldn’t be a bad shout. Dave is concerned about both Ronaldo and Deco’s dangerous crosses, although he took heart from the news that there may be more England fans than Portuguese supporters in the stadium tonight. Chappers confirmed that it’s white shirts when he chatted to Chris at twenty past nine, and (as usual) he had some more useless statistics from his Chinese friend Mr BenQ:
- 9 500 people in the UK are called Rooney
- 4 people in the UK are called Wayne Rooney
- 25 people in the UK are called Pele
Fascinating. At this point Rachel came to sit down nearby as the lads discussed the football. Chris stopped mid sentence and told her to sort her skirt out as they could see everything from where they were sitting...
Rach - Don’t look up it then
Dave - It’s like the Mersey tunnel!!
(everyone laughs)
Rachel (laughs and screams) - Dave!!!
She said he was so rude and told Chappers to continue. Chris butted in though:
Chris - I tell you what’s shocking, Rachel’s wearing days of the week knickers and they say Monday!!
(Dave and villa crew laugh)
Rach - You’re lucky I’m wearing any
(all laugh and collectively go “urrghh!!”)
Rach - Did I just say that on the radio?
Chappers (butting in) - Do you mind not devaluing the serious sport chat?
At this particular junction of the show Aled was upstairs on the radio mic, as he was the lurgy in a game of tigs off ground (I'll have more on this later). Chris asked him what he was doing up there...
Aled - Changing (pause)
Chris - Into what, a wolf?
(all laugh)


WHEN ALED MET MAFALDA:
If you’re a regular reader to these pages or just a regular listener to the show in general, you’ll know that pre-Portugal, Dominic sowed the seeds of Dave’s Easy Portuguesey by chatting to a lovely lady called Mafalda, who works at a hotel in the Algarve. Well Aled went to meet her this weekend, and find out what she really thinks of that newsreading slaphead...oh and ask what her favourite cheese was too. Aled said she was forthcoming, feisty and is a duty manager who wears a jacket, power suit and skirt.
Dom - Mafalda means business Aled
Aled - Well I think so, clearly
Dom - Not literally in Portuguese
Dave - I was going to say, I didn’t know that word
Mafalda said Dominic is a funny guy (not very convincingly mind you) and after Aled told her Dom was regarded as a bit of a sex symbol back in the UK, she said he had a very sexy voice. She said he should though as he works on the radio, unlike her who she said sounded awful on the radio...
Chris - I’ve gotta say, she sounds like a bit of a dog to be fair
(Dom laughs)
Aled - Oooh she’s not
Dom - She sounds really nice I think
Chris - No she doesn’t. She doesn’t sound sexy. She sounds like a bit of a munter, but apparently she’s not...
Aled said she was actually listening online this morning so Chris quickly retracted his comments. Mafalda recorded a message for Dom, saying that she enjoys their conversations every day and hopes to see him soon at her hotel where’ll she be waiting when he wants her. Dave said Dom was in there. He wanted however to make it perfectly clear that he does not speak to her every day.
Chris - Is your wife listening this morning?
Dom - er yes, yes she is and hello, I love you
(villa go “aahh” and laugh at the same time)
Dave - We love you too Dominic
Chris - Yeah you’re so sweet
Dom - I was speaking to my wife actually Dave but hello to you too
(Carrie laughs)

(Oh and that’s Dom not Mafalda btw...just in case you were unsure)
It’ll be unfortunate timing if England lose tonight but Dom is going out to Portugal for the weekend tomorrow afternoon. Him and the wife will meet up with the team in the villa, although probably via a bus as Chris said no one can be arsed to drive the long journey back to the airport to pick them up. Chris said he can’t wait to see Dom though, as he’s missed him. He said no offence to Carrie, he can’t wait to meet her again either. She said he might do next week if England get knocked out tonight, cue the disapproval of many voices, and “whoa whoa whoa, we’ll have none of that talk love” from Dave. Chris gave Dom a list of things to bring out to the villa as they are running rapidly out of certain supplies. The list included Yorkshire teabags, jammy dodgers, tommy sauce, baked beans, marmite, alphabetti spaghetti and (if possible) a 20 pack of 125 DAT’s.
Dom - A 20 pack of 125 DAT’s?
Chris - Yep
Dom - Well it’s always first on my list when I go on holiday

THE FIRST EVER RADIO 1 PORTUGUESE GRAND PRIX:
It was hardly a luxurious setting for Radio 1’s first ever Portuguese Grand Prix yesterday, in fact I do believe Dave referred to the Carta Drome track as “a cow shed with tyres”. Here’s photographic evidence proving he was right:


Aled put together a brilliant little package on the whole day, including his excellent commentary on the race and Rachel’s very brief thoughts from the pit stop. Before the race started he got some last words from each of the eight competitors on track...
Chappers - Yeah, very confident. I would like to get in the top three
Steve - I had a disastrous first round. I was just looking at Moylesy’s pipe the whole way round. This time I’m gonna get him
Jocelyn - Feeling a little bit nervous, hopefully some skilled driving will help me win the race (yep she is Irish by the way)
Security Bear Paul - I’m gonna kick ass (sounding American)
Ben - I’m really looking forward to it (genius)
Engineer Richard - Chris is in front of me, I’ve gotta get past him before the first bend
Dave - Eat my dust you mother
Chris - I’m ready and I’m gonna do it

FINAL RACE POSITIONS:>>>
1st - Security Bear Paul
2nd - Engineer Richard
3rd - Chappers
4th - Dave
5 - Chris
6 - Jocelyn
7 - Ben
8 - Engineer Steve

Chris was so proud with himself as he managed to shoehorn in “mmm...bellas rodas” into a genuine conversation with some Portuguese locals by the track. Rachel said it was so funny to watch Chris’s face as the blokes he was talking to nodded their heads at him in agreement. Chris was so pleased with himself that he kept on repeating “bellas rodas” for about an hour afterwards, which soon became very irritating (as you can imagine).


PETER REID LIVE ON THE PHONE AND COMEDY DAVE’S EASY PORTUGUESEY:>>>>

He was a top guest with Dave and Chappers last weekend and he was a top guest on the phone to Chris this morning. By all accounts he is not a morning person, but he sounded fairly good in the circumstances (he was out karaokeing it with Ray Stubbs last night y’see). Reidy chatted about Wayne Rooney, Ian Wright going bananas when we score and how if we win tonight, we’ve got a fantastic chance of going all the way in this tournament. He congratulated the England fans on their behaviour so far, and Chris echoed his sentiments. He said we’ve done really well, with only one or two burberry baseball caps spotted so far. Good stuff. It didn’t take long for the subject of Leeds to come up, with Chris saying he’s looking forward to their new season in the LDV Vans Tampac Champions League (or whatever it is). Him and Reidy seemed to bond quite well on the plane over, and Peter said Chris is invited to Highfield Road for the Coventry - Leeds game there this season, as one of his special hospitality guests. Chris said likewise Peter is invited round to the villa for a beer and a barbie one night soon. Peter said as long as there is sunblock it’s done, as Lawro and Stubbsy told him the hospitality was excellent. Peter also added that there was no chance of Hansen coming along, so Chris said great, they’d arrange it for Saturday night.

Another day and three more Portuguese phrases courtesy of Comedy Dave. After the cock up with the translations the other day, Dave said he was fairly confident he’d got them correct this morning. When I say “he” I actually mean the translation site Dave found on the t’interweb that does it for him. I wouldn’t trust those though, I know from personal experience (never rely on them translating your coursework to French is all I’m saying). Dave’s phrases this morning were “Goodbye Germany, thanks for taking part”, “It’s coming home, it’s coming home, football’s coming home” and “Rooney’s gonna get you”, not “Rooney is a chav” as Chris guessed. Dave said him and Chappers actually saw Rooney’s grandad being interviewed on the telly yesterday. He’s fairly young (50 odd) and has just his two front teeth left, a big belly, a beard, a skinhead and (round of applause please) was wearing a t-shirt that read “ I could murder a pint”. Chris ended the item by blatantly nicking Chappers’ line from Scott Mills’ Fact Hunt, remember kids...knowledge is power. Bom dia to you. Buzz Off today was The Race from Yello, a number seven UK hit back in August 88. Dave said it would work well for a goal montage or a backing bed but as a song it’s rubbish. He buzzed after seven seconds, Rach followed on 1:30 and Aled on 2:39. Chris asked Rach how the text vote was looking...
Rach - 56% want it off
Chris (laughs) - Well there you go Rachel
(Aled laughs)
Dave - I’d vote for that
Chris - Well it’s that time of year, it’s the heat...that’s what it does to you

ROUND UP OF OTHER STUFF ON TODAY’S SHOW:>>>

(Aled and his robot, who we’re calling Alfred)
Aled was stuck on desk duty again as Chris went for a wander round the villa. In hindsight it wasn’t such a good idea as Jones made a complete mess up of the ten past 8 segway and stuck on The Wiseguys again instead of Justin Timberlake. Chris made him stop and did his usual line of saying that there was no need to worry, as they’d just edit it out when the show went out on the air. As I mentioned earlier the team had another game of tigs off ground after 9 o’clock, which unsurprisingly resulted in Aled becoming the lurgy. He went chasing Rhys and Chappers around the villa so Chris gave him the radio mic and earpieces to keep them updated on what was going on. Thankfully he faded down Aled’s mic when Jones went off to the loo. Aled then got changed into his swimming shorts and went and bobbed up and down in the middle of the pool on his double decker lilo, two lilos stuck together with black masking tape by himself yesterday. Aled did this to be on the safe side, as he is apparently allergic to chlorine and unable to swim. Chris and Chappers decided to go and visit him before the last record of the show and had a bit of an unpleasant surprise. First of all Chris joked to Aled that they were gonna chuck Rhys in, but Chappers quickly tipped over Aled’s double decker lilo to send Mr *I’m allergic to chlorine and can’t swim* Jones flying underwater. He scrambled his way to the side, panting for breath and screaming. He said there were so many swear words he was ready to scream at them both now, but had to settle for a loud and very funny “You arse!” in Chris’s direction. Chris said him and Mark are trained lifeguards and warned in a Jackass stylee that this shouldn’t be repeated at home. An out of breath Moyles struggled to plug today’s Radio 1 line up as Aled chased Chappers round the pool, trying to give him the lurgy.
Dave (laughing) - That worked better than we could have hoped

ONE MORE ENGLAND - CROATIA JINGLE:>>>>
“Rooney, Scholes and Lampard really did us proud,
But those dodgy Croatian haircuts should not have been allowed,
Rooney was the man and Gerrard made great passes,
Portugal are next and we’re gonna kick their...bottoms,
(Fans chant “England! England!”)
The Chris Moyles Show, live from Portugal, National Radio One”

CARPARK CATCHPHRASE:
HUGH who works at an ape rescue centre near Wareham in Dorset 2
SARAH who works for a wedding stationery company in Tring 1

Daves Tedious Link
Madonna Into The Groove - Into The Groove was a big hit in July 1985, three months before the birth of Wayne Rooney - Wayne Rooney is without doubt the player of the tournament for Euro 2004 in Portugal - Portugal will be beaten by England tonight - Tonight was a top 3 hit in 1990 for New Kids On The Block - New Kids On The Block star Donnie Wahlberg is the brother of Marky Mark Wahlberg, who himself scored a top 14 hit with Good Vibrations in 1991, along with his group The Funky Bunch - The Funky Bunch shouldn’t be mistaken for the munch bunch, which are a type of children’s book and yoghurt - Yoghurt contains live bacteria, as does Aled’s room in the villa - Villa first name Ricky is a famous footballer from Argentina - Argentina is a large country in South America and in that respect shares something in common with Brazil - Brazil is a country that’s given it’s name to brazil nuts - Nuts can be colloquial slang for testicles, which are anatomically located outside of the main body of the human body, in order to keep them cool - and when you think of the word “cool” in the context of American urban artists that have two initials at the start of their name, you think of LL Cool J - Which links us to LL Cool J and Phenomenon

POSSIBLE FLAW
*Aled said that his bedroom does not have bacteria in it, although Rachel disagreed and said it was in an awful state. She said she was slightly surprised by Aled’s lack of tidiness. He admitted that even the cleaners at the villa seem to have given up on it. Chris said he walked out of the shower starkers the other day to find one of them making his bed. Rachel said “she won’t be coming back then”. Chris told her to shut up and said that it was every womans dream.

AND FINALLY...COME ON ENGLAND!!!

Don’t forget the Portugal - England quarter final is live on BBC One tonight at 7:30, and you can also catch full coverage and commentary on Radio Five Live (909 & 603AM) from 6:45 this evening. So just three words remain for me to say...Come On England!!!

> Moyles Live In Portugal - Thurs Jun 24th Show & Show Review - HAVE YOUR SAY!! <

Moyles Live In Portugal - Wed 23rd June 2004 (MC) [Posted Wednesday, June 23 2004 by MC_]

1. Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl 7:00 NEWSBEAT 2. Sugababes - Freak Like Me, 3. Blink 182 - Down, 4. Joss Stone - Super Duper Love, 5. BUZZ OFF - Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy, 6. Basement Jaxx feat Lisa Kekaula - Good Luck 7:30 NEWSBEAT 7. Stereophonics - Have A Nice Day, 8. Outkast - Roses, 9. The 5678's - Woo Hoo, 10. McFly - Obviously 8:00 NEWSBEAT 11. Faithless - We Come One, 12. Mario Winans feat Enya & P. Diddy - I Don't Wanna Know, 13. The Ordinary Boys - Talk Talk Talk, 14. Christina Aguilera feat Redman - Dirrty 8:30 NEWSBEAT 15. Kelis - Trick Me, 16. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Universally Speaking, 17. 50 Cent - If I Can’t, 18. Madonna - Into The Groove (Tedious Link), 19. Scissor Sisters - Laura, 20. The Streets - Dry Your Eyes, 21. J Kwon - Tipsy 9:30 NEWSBEAT 22. Good Charlotte - Girls & Boys, 23. Usher - Burn, 24. Britney Spears - Toxic, 25. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme

Well it only took five months, two weeks and two days...but this place finally got a mention on the breakfast show this morning!!! (about time too). Granted we were mentioned in a little, jokey throwaway type comment by Chris, but nevertheless it’s good to see that he hasn’t forgotten us. He was basically explaining to Dave how the bed for the 7:30 and 8:30 news bulletins was coming in from London on his cue of “coming up later”. This was annoying him though and he wanted to change it to “coming up next”. Very exciting stuff I’m sure you’ll agree *cough*, although Chris seemed convinced it would be gripping for us lot...
Dave - This could provoke confusion
Chris - Mate, they’re gonna open up a new messageboard on chrismoyles.net about this. You watch today..
Dave - mmm
Ahh, our moment in the breakfast show limelight...oh and there it goes again. From a personal point of view I’d love a big peak time site mention just to get some more hits on this page as (without being big headed) I think all the time and effort I put into these reviews deserves more than just 450 hits a day, when Chris has 7 million listeners in total. Some more pleasing news next though - the weather by the villa in Portugal is crap. It’s overcast, dull and even rained a bit this morning. Chris wasn’t too disheartened though, as he said it could be worse - he could be his girlfriend Sophie knee deep in mud at Glastonbury. I presume she’s there already cos she’s some sort of producer on Colin and Edith’s “Glastonbury Calling” BBC 3 series this week, although I may be wrong. Chris said it was also a bit muggy as well as being wet in Portugal today, the perfect opportunity therefore for him to get out his travelling Dombot and do a little mini Muggy mix (note the alliteration there...thanks). Chris played a trail for the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Hyde Park gig last week, plugging the fact that you can now hear the interviews the band did with Zane Lowe on Listen Again @ Radio One ONLINE. The trail was old though and made reference to the gig being last night, so Chris wanted to know who was to blame - the team back in London or the team in Portugal. Rachel was furiously nodding her head and saying that it was the people in London to blame, but she said she’ll get in trouble whatever now as they’ll point the finger at her. Chris said heads are gonna roll when he gets back (which hopefully won’t be for a while yet). Chris asked Dave if he’d heard who had supported the Chilis at Hyde Park. Dave claimed he had but said he’d forgotten. It was James Brown - cue Chris and Dave singing a nice little acapella version of I Feel Good. Chris said that him and Dave are always available to cover for James if he gets ill or fancies a day off...
Dave - We got soul
Chris - What Campbell? Is he coming in?
(Rhys and engineer Richard laugh)

(For Red Hot Chili Peppers pics from Hyde Park just click here)
Italy became the next big name to drop out of Euro 2004 last night, although Chris didn’t see their match with Bulgaria as the team were having a special farewell barbie by the pool for all the competition winners and freeloaders (who fly home this morning). Moyles said the highlight of the evening was repeatedly pushing them all in the pool fully dressed. First up it was Andy, who Chris asked to check his pockets for something and then proceeded to push him in. When Andy got out he congratulated Chris and said that he didn’t see that coming. In that case *push* back in he went. Chris said at one stage Tracey (who was disappointingly wearing two tops), lost her bracelet in the water. All the winners then stupidly leaned over the side to have a look for it, hence *push*, *push* and *push*...
Dom (laughing) - It’s just too easy
Dom said he is actually coming out to see the team in Portugal this weekend with his wife. They are staying in a hotel five minutes down the road from the team’s villa and Chris said he can’t wait to see Dom again. All I know is that if England get beat tomorrow it’s gonna be one awful bit of bad timing. As well as the barbecue last night, there was also a bit of karaoke going on. Chris was singing a bit of Sinatra and Rhys played a bit of guitar (not to that obviously). Moyles said that engineer Richard had the worst costume of the night by far, as his open shirt and comedy pants made him look half Justin Hawkins and half Timmy Mallett. It’s not a good look baby...

WHEN DOM MET STEVE COOGAN AND JACKIE CHAN: